How to Save the Clippers

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How to Save the Clippers

Postby JichaelDick » 30 Jun 2017, 11:09

TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby mj3528 » 30 Jun 2017, 11:12

JichaelDick wrote:https://theringer.com/2017-nba-free-agency-11-step-guide-to-fixing-los-angeles-clippers-steve-ballmer-lebron-james-5be49018c062

DTF, have at it.

I think the suggestion at the end has merit.
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby Rufus » 30 Jun 2017, 13:18

I'm curious why he hates Doc so much.
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby JichaelDick » 30 Jun 2017, 13:21

Rufus wrote:I'm curious why he hates Doc so much.


http://bleacherreport.com/articles/1688 ... -ugly-feud

I know Doc said he buried the hatchet, but Simpson is a thin-skinned titty baby, so of course he'd keep taking shots.
TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 30 Jun 2017, 13:36

Why would Doc Rivers even know who this little shit is?

I cant anymore.
PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby Jew Jitsu » 30 Jun 2017, 14:26

BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:Why would Doc Rivers even know who this little shit is?

I cant anymore.

All these sports athletes gotta have immense patience and self control for not going off on all these dork writers. Imagine being a top athlete and the best player on every team you've ever played on until you reach the pros, and then having your game and lifestyle critiqued by someone looking like bill Simmons and those retards at deadspin? I saw that pic of the deadspin crew with Colin Kaepernick and they look All look like honorary 'berger bros. Then picture Simmons with his cunty voice and 28" waist asking for you to get fired. If I was Doc I would've bitch slapped him a decade ago
CourtesyFlush - Wed May 31, 2017 7:52 am: I stopped taking creep shots when I found out a dude who used to work on my floor got arrested for that at a walgreens in uptown charlotte.
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby Dthefritz » 30 Jun 2017, 16:47

In spite of the typical obnoxiousness and poor writing, I can pretty much co-sign everything he said about Cp3 and Blake. It's time to break up the gang, and Griffin can't be trusted to carry a team with his injury history. But then things get good!

2. Trade DeAndre Jordan to Milwaukee for Greg Monroe’s expiring contract and a top-four-protected first-round pick.

This is an idiotic trade. Monroe, in spite of all his talents, is just too slow for today's NBA. He is a bench player at best on a good team. DeAndre Jordan is an all-NBA caliber player. A first round pick from a playoff team is not enough to make up for that difference.

Doesn’t the Freak need an elite rebounder/shot blocker/rim protector/head of handshakes/someone who can get any pretty celebrity on a text in three minutes?

Why would you, as hypothetical VP of Common Sense for the Clippers, care about what Giannis needs on his team?

The Bucks would be crazy not to do this.

That is actually correct. Conversely, the Clippers would be crazy to do this. And you would be crazy to advise them to do this. Should have dawned on him at some point, no?

DeAndre, Freak, Jabari, Middleton, and Brogdon? With Thon Maker as the grizzled old veteran off the bench? That might be enough to get Marc Lasry and Wes Edens to start speaking again!

THOSE THIRD WORLD COUNTRIES ARE TOO POOR TO KEEP PROPER BIRTH RECORDS OLOLOLOLOLOLLOLOLOLOL. Again, you are advising the Clippers here, Bill. Your job is not to create a fun Bucks team in NBA 2K.

3. Trade Lou Williams for a future first.

Sure, why not.

4. Trade Beverley for a pick or a young player, but insist that Jamal Crawford becomes the “Beverley Tax” in any trade.
In other words, we’ll give you Beverley, but you HAVE to take Crawford — a phenomenal teammate and a once-every-three-weeks Heat Check Guy who can’t guard anyone, thinks he’s way better than he is, and incredibly makes nearly $29 million over the next two seasons because Doc Rivers is the Monopoly player who gives you the Oranges and all the railroads for Boardwalk and thinks he outsmarted you.

Crawford sucks because he's streaky and doesn't play D but Lou Williams is a god on earth! Doc Rivers is the only personnel guy on earth got stuck paying an expensive veteran at the end of his contracts. It's literally never happened in NBA history. He clearly knows way less about basketball than you.

Here’s a fun idea: Beverley and Crawford to Philly for Jahlil Okafor and a heavily protected future first. Beverley is the perfect point guard for Philly 

HOLY SHIT IT'S YOUR HYPTOHETICAL JOB TO FIX THE CLIPPERS NOT MAKE OTHER TEAMS MORE FUN TO WATCH FOR BILL THE LEAGUE PASS FAN.

The Lannisters would definitely say yes. Whoops, I meant the Colangelos.

I have no idea whatever the rationale he stated in a previous column/podcast/tweet is for comparing an incestuous, ruthless, royal family in a fictional timeline with a father and son who are both basketball executives, but I'm sure it sucks a bucket of goat shit in terms of both logic and comedic value.

Speaking of Philly, don’t worry about bottoming out for a top-three draft pick. Sixers fans didn’t just embrace the Process; these days, they’re behaving like Dr. Dre and Tyrese the night before Apple bought Beats. NBA fans have gotten much, much, MUCH smarter.

Yes, because fewer of them read asshats like you, and more of them read people like Zach Lowe who are able to locate their anus with the use of two or fewer hands.

5. Have a staring contest with Doc until he quits or asks to be bought out.

What? I could have sworn he was a quittery quitboy quitter who doesn't have the stomach for a rebuild. I thought that the Celtics were desperate for him to stay, so that they could pay a top-3 expensive coach in the league to preside over a 20-30 win team and that he cruelly used the zero leverage he had to force his way out. This is what Bill the Logic Man concluded at the time, and I think the same principle applies here.

6. Don’t trade Austin Rivers.
Let’s see Austin go Westbrook. It’s your show now, Austin. LET’S SEE IT, KID! SPREAD THE FLOOR FOR AUSTIN!!!!!!

Doc Rivers is an idiot for signing Austin Rivers, but Austin is good enough to build an offense around. Sounds legit.

7. Don’t break ground on that Inglewood arena yet.
Hold this thought.

8. Don’t hire a long-term coach or GM.
Hold this thought, too.

Oh I will, you shitwit. I will.

9. Next summer … LEBRON.

Yeah, he'll definitely want to come sign here after you traded all your good players. Why would a 33 year old want to win now?

Suddenly, you’re a blank canvas with a high lottery pick coming and that’s it. It’s beautiful! It’s like NBA2K with all the restrictions turned off.

No, it's not like NBA2K. Life and video games are different, and your failure to distinguish between the two is one of the zillion reasons your analysis sucks and you will never get hired in a front office position.

A heavily rumored move to L.A. would be the logical next step for the guy who strives to become the NBA’s first multimedia billionaire icon — like Jay-Z crossed with Magic crossed with Ryan Seacrest.

This is literally every "LeBron will sign with the Knicks" article leading up to 2010. It's fucking dumb. I'm not saying LeBron has a 0% chance of signing there, but if their pitch is "CAP ROOM AND CAP ROOM ALONE", he's not going to jump on that bullshit at age 33 just so he can hang out with hip LA celebrities like Bill Simmons. How many times do we have to go through this?

10. Next summer … NO LEBRON.
And if he still says no, then we aren’t necessarily screwed.

Well they're not screwed in that the franchise will never have a winning team again. But they're definitely screwed in the sense that they won't be good for a long time.

People in L.A. didn’t really enjoy going to Clippers games.

If by "People in L.A." you mean "transplants who root for other teams", then sure. Maybe the excitement of the team had waned, but I guarantee you a true fan of a team will not stop enjoying a team winning, unless they're spoiled dickheads who expect a title every year. Not that you'd know anything about that of course.

11. Move the Clippers to Seattle.

And this is the coup de grace. You are a colossal cocksucking idiot who knows fucking nothing about how professional sports work.

As opposed to say, Seattle, a thriving metropolis that could be the Pacific Northwest’s version of how Silicon Valley embraced the Warriors.

Yes, because moving to the Northern half of the West coast is the exact same thing as having Durant/Curry/Thompson/Green/Iguodala on their roster. Why doesn't every team move to Seattle and instantly have all stars. It's so obvious!

Seattle not having an NBA team is dumber than James Dolan having an NBA team.

And why would the owner of a current NBA team give a fuck about Seattle's hypothetical need for a team?

You’re never toppling USC, UCLA, the Lakers, and the Dodgers. You could own Seattle. Bring the Sonics back to life like Chuck Noland.

What are those dumb Mets doing, hanging around New York? They'll never topple the Yankees. They could OWN Montreal! Bring the Expos back to life like Jon Snow.

For the life of me, I can’t imagine why you would build a new basketball arena in Inglewood. For what purpose?

To make a shitload more money than you would building a new arena in Seattle.

How are you filling it 12 months a year?

I don't know, but I'm pretty sure they thought of this conundrum, and hired people who know way more about this kind of stuff than you do.

Building that Inglewood stadium is the equivalent of being in a failing relationship and saying, “I know what will save us — let’s have a kid!”

No it's the equivalent of owning a sports team, and building a bigger stadium, charging higher prices and making more money. Which the majority of pro sports franchises have successfully done at this point.

That Inglewood arena is the kid. Build it if you’re getting LeBron — maybe. Don’t build it for Blake Griffin in his mid-30s, or future lottery picks, or the hope of a contender in a 30-team league with Giannis, Davis, Durant, Lonzo, and every other future franchise guy probably playing somewhere else.

The Sacramento fucking Kings built a hugely expensive new arena and are raking in money, even though they win 30 fucking games a year and play in fucking Sacramento.

The truth is, Los Angeles shouldn’t have two basketball teams.

That is not the truth, because both teams are making a shitload of money.

And Seattle SHOULD have a basketball team.

According to who? Why is this a problem that concerns the owner of the hugely profitable Los Angeles Clippers?

If you were from Seattle, maybe you’d realize this.
Oh wait … YOU’VE LIVED IN SEATTLE FOR OVER 30 YEARS. YOU KNOW THIS.

Yes, he knows that because his trusted advisor Bill Simmons had a sweet Shawn Kemp poster in his dorm room, he is under a moral obligation to move what is the 6th most valuable franchise in the NBA to a city that was most recently home to the 28th most valuable franchise in the NBA. He should flush billions of dollars down the toilet to move his team away from Los Angeles to his beloved non-hometown of Seattle. It's not like he can easily travel between Seattle and LA on a private jet. He'd have to be some kind of billionaire to do that!

That’s my advice. I am glad you never asked.
Sincerely,
Bill Simmons


Dear Bill Simmons,

This is so embarrassingly stupid I actually feel sorry for you. Please find the nearest blunt object, and smash it into your face repeatedly at full force. Then never write another goddamn thing again.

That's my advice. I am glad you never asked.
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby Theny » 30 Jun 2017, 20:51

Angry ending there! Woah.

Anyways, the Heat think Bam Adabayo could be the next Kemp. I wonder if that's good or bad....
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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby mj3528 » 01 Jul 2017, 08:16

Theny wrote:Angry ending there! Woah.

Anyways, the Heat think Bam Adabayo could be the next Kemp. I wonder if that's good or bad....

If he skips the kemp step of gaining 80 pounds, sure.


Cleveland media: Sean, what is your weight?

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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 01 Jul 2017, 08:52

Some herb on reddit wrote:Sometimes I question bills takes.

But after the article and now this. (He said the Jazz should trade for Rubio)

I get slapped with a reminder that he is where he's at for a reason. He Knows basketball and is a God when it comes to articles
PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: How to Save the Clippers

Postby JichaelDick » 01 Jul 2017, 09:19

BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:
Some herb on reddit wrote:Sometimes I question bills takes.

But after the article and now this. (He said the Jazz should trade for Rubio)

I get slapped with a reminder that he is where he's at for a reason. He Knows basketball and is a God when it comes to articles


He's a fantastic promoter of himself and is admittedly a huge NBA fan/nerd. He's like what I'd be with self confidence, an overinflated sense of self because my team won a shitload of titles, and a streak of homerism that Bart and Lisa's dad would find grating.
TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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