2016-2017 NHL Preview

2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Goose » 11 Oct 2016, 15:17

Because somebody demanded it, here's your 2016-2017 NHL Preview, starting (and possibly ending) with the Eastern Conference.

We should probably start with the basics. The NHL has 30 teams, 16 teams in the Eastern Conference and 14 in the Western Conference. Why the imbalance in conferences? It has to do with the Canadian exchange rate and high level financial algorithms, so I’m not going to get into it since only T_P would understand it and he’s not walking back through that door.

The Eastern Conference is made up of two divisions of eight teams, the Atlantic and the Metropolitan. The Western Conference is made up of two divisions of seven teams, the Central and the Pacific. Despite all the hockey you’ve learned from Chris Berman watching Packers-Bears highlights, there is no longer a Norris Division.

Okay, let’s start with our 2015-16 Stanley Cup Champion… [googles 2015-16 Stanley Cup Champion] The Pittsburgh Penguins! They beat the … [googles 2016 Stanley Cup Finals] San Jose Sharks in an epic (?) six game series. To be honest as soon as the Lightning blew a 3-2 series lead in conference finals I didn’t watch any more hockey. Yes, I’m a poor loser. Once my team was out I took my puck and went home. Anyway, onto the preview:

Eastern Conference, Atlantic Division

Boston Bruins: Fuck them and the Frankenstein-ian monster Chara dude. Nobody in Boston cares about the Bruins until the Celts are knocked out of the playoffs.
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Buffalo Sabres: Young and talented, nothing like the Bills. The team includes ctz fave Jack Eichel and cop-magnet Evander Kane. Fun team to watch.
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Detroit Red Wings: Lost out on the Steven Stampkos sweepstakes. Don’t know anybody on this team, but they might miss the playoffs for the first in 100 years. But these ladies don't care:
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Florida Panthers: The Marlins of hockey, contending every six years, or so. 1st place in the Atlantic last year, but choked in the 1st round and lost to the Islanders. Jaromir Jagr, who is only one year younger than me still plays for them.

Montreal Canadiens: The most storied franchise in North American sports (fuck off you American hosers), but missed the playoffs last year, just like every other Canadian team. They traded P.K. Subban for something called a Shea Weber, from Nashville. Hopefully P.K. can get back some of that $10MM he donated to a Montreal kids’ hospital last year.

Ottawa Senators: Nobody fucking cares, not even in Ottawa.

Tampa Bay Lightning: Best team in hockey to watch.
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Last year’s Eastern Conference runner-ups. Still can’t figure out how they lost Game 6 to those fuckheads from Pittsburgh. Won the Steven Stamkos and Nikita Kutcherov sweepstakes and kept most of their talented players, including two top goalies.

Prediction: Pop the champagne, 2016-2017 Stanley Cup Champions.
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Toronto Maple Leafs: They’re the Cleveland Browns of the NHL. All kinds of history, but couldn’t put together a good team if you spotted them the first 10 picks of every draft for the next decade.

Eastern Conference, Metropolitan Division

Carolina Hurricanes: There’s no place more metropolitan than a vaguely named region of the southeast United States. But they skate fast and are fun to watch.

Columbus Blue Jackets: Pretty sure this is the team that the Charleston Chiefs played at the end of Slap Shot. Torts will continue killing any young talent this team has until he’s fired mid-season and they probably won’t turn things around for another 10 years.
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But who cares, OSU is undefeated.

New York Rangers: They’re old and on their way down, kind of following the old Yankees mold through 2015, but without the multiple championships.

New York Islanders: These guys were awesome about 35 years ago. But they’ve been rebuilding for about 20 years. I don’t care and neither should you.

New Jersey Devils: These guys won ugly when super fan David Puddy was still on TV.
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Since then, not so much. They’re kind of like an NBA team that finishes too high to get top draft picks, but not high enough to make the playoffs.

Philadelphia Flyers: I’d rather watch Balls and PJ play a best of seven 2K16 than sit through this bunch of scrubs overachieve to another first round playoff loss.

Pittsburgh Penguins: Sydney Crosby has a concussion and his return to hockey is questionable. Good. Fuck him and all the front runners at NBC rooting for the Pens to beat the Lightning last year. I guess actually wearing a Lemieux throwback on air would have been too much. Fuck them.
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Washington Capitals: Ovechkin scored a lot of goals and played some stellar defense:
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They choked in the playoffs, again. I think I copied this from every other NHL preview from the last 10 years.

Western Conference coming tomorrow, or some other day, or maybe never. We'll see.
Last edited by Goose on 12 Oct 2016, 08:31, edited 2 times in total.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Theny » 11 Oct 2016, 17:41

Panthers are 10/1 to win the Stanley Cup this season. Put some respect on our name pls.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 11 Oct 2016, 18:56

The Flyers division is called Metropolitan? Haha wth.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Dthefritz » 11 Oct 2016, 18:59

BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:The Flyers division is called Metropolitan? Haha wth.

Obvs it's named after former Flyers standout Glen Metropolit. Some phan you are.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby TheWolf » 11 Oct 2016, 20:29

I read every word of that. Did not expect that at the outset. I guess what im saying is good job, goose.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Goose » 12 Oct 2016, 08:32

Theny wrote:Panthers are 10/1 to win the Stanley Cup this season. Put some respect on our name pls.


Thanks NHLTheny. I look forward to your next hockey post as soon as the Heat are eliminated from the playoffs.

ETA: The last line I saw sas Florida at 20/1, which put them behind 10 other teams. So, I wouldn't start stocking up on rats quite yet.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby ctz31 » 12 Oct 2016, 08:45

Well done goose. It was I that demanded this post. I also don't fault you for not watching the stanley cup. After your team was eliminated no one in the country cared about that upcoming series. Great gifs as usual. I will take notes for the next time I go jiffy on that idiot kite.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Briandong79 » 12 Oct 2016, 08:46

I do not approve of the blonde clapping with her hands right in front of her face.
PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Iron Mike Sharpe » 12 Oct 2016, 08:52

C'mon Red Wings fans, a proper crotch chop uses TWO hands.

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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Goose » 12 Oct 2016, 14:05

ctz31 wrote:Well done goose. It was I that demanded this post. I also don't fault you for not watching the stanley cup. After your team was eliminated no one in the country cared about that upcoming series. Great gifs as usual. I will take notes for the next time I go jiffy on that idiot kite.


Sorry ctz.

Eichel first casualty in the Goose Preview Curse.

Keep your head on a swivel fellas.

http://buffalonews.com/2016/10/12/rapid ... s-balance/
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby chrisco » 12 Oct 2016, 20:31

Goose wrote:
ctz31 wrote:Well done goose. It was I that demanded this post. I also don't fault you for not watching the stanley cup. After your team was eliminated no one in the country cared about that upcoming series. Great gifs as usual. I will take notes for the next time I go jiffy on that idiot kite.


Sorry ctz.

Eichel first casualty in the Goose Preview Curse.

Keep your head on a swivel fellas.
http://buffalonews.com/2016/10/12/rapid ... s-balance/


Had he just sacrificed being the number 2 pick in the draft, he could have been a junior on what would have been the consensus number 1 NCAA HONKY team in the country. /jokez

Sorry for your lost CTZ. I hope you come back after not winning the October/November chip and make the playoffs.
SY wrote:....but yeah if there's an awkward silence i am definitely filling it with nonsense.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Dthefritz » 12 Oct 2016, 20:35

chrisco wrote:
Goose wrote:
ctz31 wrote:Well done goose. It was I that demanded this post. I also don't fault you for not watching the stanley cup. After your team was eliminated no one in the country cared about that upcoming series. Great gifs as usual. I will take notes for the next time I go jiffy on that idiot kite.


Sorry ctz.

Eichel first casualty in the Goose Preview Curse.

Keep your head on a swivel fellas.
http://buffalonews.com/2016/10/12/rapid ... s-balance/


Had he just sacrificed being the number 2 pick in the draft, he could have been a junior on what would have been the consensus number 1 NCAA HONKY team in the country. /jokez

Why jokez? NCAA Honky is a completely different game. More elaborate strategy, and fewer preening nogs making it all about themselves.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby chrisco » 12 Oct 2016, 21:05

Dthefritz wrote:
chrisco wrote:
Goose wrote:
ctz31 wrote:Well done goose. It was I that demanded this post. I also don't fault you for not watching the stanley cup. After your team was eliminated no one in the country cared about that upcoming series. Great gifs as usual. I will take notes for the next time I go jiffy on that idiot kite.


Sorry ctz.

Eichel first casualty in the Goose Preview Curse.

Keep your head on a swivel fellas.
http://buffalonews.com/2016/10/12/rapid ... s-balance/


Had he just sacrificed being the number 2 pick in the draft, he could have been a junior on what would have been the consensus number 1 NCAA HONKY team in the country. /jokez

Why jokez? NCAA Honky is a completely different game. More elaborate strategy, and fewer preening nogs making it all about themselves.


Honky is the best of all scumbag worlds when it comes to filling rosters...

1. No one cares about the sport. It can almost operate in the dark because there's no SEC boosters calling each other out or a precedent for lack of institutional control.

2. A lot of these kids are drafted before entering into college or while froshes. They are there to be seasoned or put on ice :corn: until they grow up.

3. NHL has one level of minors, but then there's like 4 levels of shadow minors....major juniors, NCAA, overseas, and sometimes USHL. I don't really understand the definition of amatuerism down here, but guys move somewhat freely between the 4...all while being signed to an NHL team.

4. Don't like the team that drafted you? Wait them out at a place like Harvard like our last Hobie Baker winnah and your next 4th line center for the Rangers.

5. The level of competition is pretty damn high and keeps getting better. Every March at least 3 guys quit school and jump into the NHL for the playoff run.

BU restocked their team with 3 or 4 contributing guys in January of last year from the USHL and overseas. I en joy what's happening, but think we are in for another couple years of boundary pushing until one year some team everyone hates (UND) finds the Eichel of Russia and drops them into the lineup in January, wins the NCAA and he then signs with the Red Wings and gets them over in the playoffs, all while only playing 25 games of college hawkey. We then throw a minor shitfit and maybe have to reel some of this back in.

End of day, what I am saying is that NCAA football and basketball are so restricted compared to the shit that hockey can pull off that its ridix. And yes, its a mostly white sport that no one gives a shit about yet.
SY wrote:....but yeah if there's an awkward silence i am definitely filling it with nonsense.
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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby Gregs Kite » 13 Oct 2016, 06:46

They still like to rape a lot. So.....there's that.
You fuckers ruined kite.

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Re: 2016-2017 NHL Preview

Postby TheWolf » 13 Oct 2016, 06:49

Gregs Kite wrote:They still like to rape a lot. So.....there's that.


You cant really blame them. It's The culture.
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