NBA STONG TAEKS

NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Dthefritz » 27 Sep 2014, 15:19

Before we get to in-earnest NBA previews or over unders, I will do my best to poison the well with constructive and fair criticisms team-by-team. We shall start with the Boston Celtics because why not.

Kelly Olynyk – you ever play with a tall, fat white guy in pickup ball who hits a bunch of 3’s in warmups and then proceeds to be useless all game? That’s Kelly Olynyk.

Avery Bradley – Oh look, here’s Simmons to breathlessly exclaim that he could be the next Bruce Bowen. You mean he’ll take 7 years not to be so dog-fuckingly awful at shooting that he could be a bench player for a contender with 3 superstars? I WOULDN’T TRADE HIM FOR ALL THE KINGDOMS OF MAN.

Brandon Bass – One of those guys who’s just kind of there. Not noticeably good or bad at anything, except being a little undersized for a 4. He should harvest Carlos Boozer’s chest hair for strength.

Keith Bogans – How the hell is this guy still playing? He must have some seriously off-the-charts veteran leadership skills. Like, “makes Kevin Ollie look like Ricky Davis” type veteran leadership skills.

Joel Anthony – His legacy will be future generations watching the 2011 finals on ESPN Classic and thinking “I can’t believe Miami tried to win a title with this guy starting at center.”

Jeff Green – Is there anything more frustrating than a guy who plays like a superstar once every five games?

Gerald Wallace – What a depressing end to his career. Also, I thought Boston fans loved guys who were intense and competitive? Oh wait, they only like them if they’re really good because they’re huge frontrunners.

Rajon Rondo – Teams that have a realistic shot of winning a championship this year: San Antonio, OKC, Cleveland, Mayyyyyyyyybe the Warriors or Clippers or Grizzzlies? Number of these teams that need a point guard? 0. Approximate number of hours ESPN/NBATV et al. will spend discussing trade talks of a player who could “swing the season”: 20,000.

Jared Sullinger – He could have been the next Moses Malone without the bad back! Haven’t the Gahhden faithful suffered enough?

Marcus Smart/James Young – These picks have been approved by the VP OF CAWMMAN SENSE. With any luck they’ll be the next Jay Williams/Adam Morrison.

Marcus Thornton – Undersized chucking 2-guards off the bench should be obligated to do cool streetball moves or date horrible female white rappers. Otherwise, who cares?

Tyler Zeller – I'm looking forward to how many coded ways you can praise a terrible white player: “He looks like he’d be fun to play with!” “Knows where to be on the court!” “I don’t know what it is, but I’d be comfortable with him dating my daughter someday!”

Not covered – Chris Babb, Chris Johnson, Vitor Faverani, Phil Pressey. They should have to surrender ping pong balls in the lottery for signing these mopes.
Last edited by Dthefritz on 29 Sep 2014, 19:48, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby nova » 27 Sep 2014, 15:32

Swaggy P isn't undersized.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Dthefritz » 27 Sep 2014, 15:39

nova wrote:Swaggy P isn't undersized.

Fair enough, but if I'm going to watch a totally reprehensible gunner go for his, he better do it in style.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Dthefritz » 27 Sep 2014, 18:32

The Spurs are of course A TEAM, MORE THAN THE SUM OF THEIR PARTS, so they must be hated on as a squad, not in individual units.

There was a glorious time in the early and mid 2000's, when we basketball fans universally hated these fuckheads. Even those of us who didn't think they were boring to watch could still root against these flopping, cheap-shotting, Eurotrash fuckheads who got fellated every damn day by the media types we hated the most. They were epitomized by Tim Duncan, player who seemed like he was dropped down from Plaschke Heaven just to provide holier-than-thou sportswriters with a champion. They could get up on Duncan's pedastal and shout down at Iverson and T-Mac without being accused of bias, because of course he was one of the greatest players ever to walk this earth. And he was light-skinned to boot! So us fans rooted against them no matter who they were up against, be it the thuggish preening Pistons or the high-faluten finesse Suns.

But then a funny thing happened. The self-important fartsniffers of Boston, still riding the obnoxious wave of the '04 titles, were gifted KG by one of their own fraternity. The obnoxious douches of LA were gifted Pau Gasol by an incompetent moron. And then the best player in the NBA teamed up with two other superstars to lord it over the rest of the league.

Suddenly, the Spurs were the good guys. The same fans who air-jerked at the TV when talking heads praised Duncan's loyalty and Popovich's genius were now nodding solemnly. Eaters of "Freedom Fries" now marveled at Parker's ingenuity in getting to the rim. Even authors of hilarious and fresh LOL DIAW IS FAT jokes were now laughing with him. Wha happen?

Of course, I wasn't angry to see the Spurs get another title this past June. They earned it and showed great fortiutde in rebounding from a devastating finals loss the previous year. But now that they've been validated, the Celtics are re-building, the Lakers are pretending they're not re-building, and the Heat are in the same smoldering crater of LeBron-less-ness they left the Cavs in four years ago, I say we go back to hating these cocksuckers. The world will be a better place. After all, Popovich pulled the exact same Riley-SVG maneuver back when the Spurs drafted Duncan, and it's time we started shitting all over him for it.

But of course, I have one player-specific TAEK that I need to get out of my system. Kawhi Leonard is a great role player. That's all he is. When you're 5th on your own team in field goal attempts, I don't care how great you are at D, how great you are at spotting up or cutting off the ball, you're not a "superstar" you're not in the LeBron-Durant conversation (which is only a conversation in the Satanic Bowels of Around the Horn), you're not even Paul George. If Kawhi Leonard is your best player, you probably don't make the playoffs.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Briandong79 » 27 Sep 2014, 19:00

I'm impressed you managed to be not just 1, but 2 teams behind on Keith Bogans in your Celtics preview. He's a 76er now, and he was a Cavs between the Celtics and Sixers.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 27 Sep 2014, 19:25

I enjoyed the Rondo take. Hot.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 29 Sep 2014, 08:43

Fantastic.

Though I still do think Kawhi is better than George. Rebounding, defense, Kawhi trounces. Only thing George is definitely better at is taking off-balance jumpers and dunking. But your point still stands.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby nova » 29 Sep 2014, 11:33

Huge fan of this thread. Please keep up the good work and ignore the haters like Brian's Dong.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby JT99 » 29 Sep 2014, 11:47

Can someone re-format the original post into something readable?
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BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:26 Jan 2017 10:53: need the D
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby ctz31 » 29 Sep 2014, 12:04

I enjoyed as well. Who is swaggy p? I thought that was the dude on the lakers. Nick Young or so?
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Dthefritz » 29 Sep 2014, 19:39

Your Washington Wizards. The classic team that wins a playoff series, thinks they’re further along than they are and then crashes back to earth. It gets better every time!

Bradley Beal – The classic young player that has a great playoffs, everyone thinks is further along than he is and then crashes back to earth. It gets better every time!

DeJuan Blair – He was a lot easier to get behind when he was fat. You can’t just give up on your gimmick like that. Now he just looks like a shittier, less metrosexual Nene.

Vander Blue – Don’t know anything about him, but that is a top notch name for a jazz musician.

Rasual Butler – Yet ANOTHER team that can go through the same cycle of “oh, he’s a good three point shooter, he’ll help out”, before realizing he’s horrifically untalented at everything else and really not all that great a shooter unless he’s open.

Drew Gooden – I think the basketball gods were curious what would have happened if Roy Tarpley had been a weedhead rather than a cokehead and just created Drew Gooden in a lab.

Marcin Gortat – Just look at him. You know if he were five inches shorter, he’d be sitting at a pub all day talking about how the EU is a Jewish conspiracy and slurring insults at people who look Turkish.

Kris Humphries – Sources report we should feel better about this total fuckbag because he made a commercial that portrayed him as a total fuckbag. Is this what our society has come to?

Damion James – One of those classic guys you sign in 2k Franchise mode, assuming he’s CPU generated and then you find out he’s real. He was a first round pick in 2010? Huh.

Andre Miller – Andre Miller:Crafty :: David Eckstein:Scrappy. We get it, announcers.

Nene – Go nuts in the playoffs, get injured for three years, repeat. What a fun career.

Daniel Orton – LOL that sounds like a white person name, reverse Reggie Cleveland all-star!11!!1!!

Paul Pierce - I think at this point the expression “Act like you’ve been there before” can be replaced with “act in the opposite fashion of Paul Pierce.”

Otto Porter – On the plus side, he was just 0.7 apg away from averaging a triple single.

Glen Rice Jr. - Either he takes after his mom, or the milkman had some great basketball genes to pass down.

Kevin Seraphin – Don’t worry Wiz fans, when Nene misses his requisite 50 games, you have another South American big man to shoot awkward retro jump hooks. Your cup overfloweth.

Xavier Silas – Sounds like the beginning of one of those crazy Key & Peele names without the punchline.

David Stockton – What’s with them hording crappy players just because of name recognition? Who do they think they are, the Knicks?

Garrett Temple – Career averages of 4.5 ppg and 1.7 rpg. Otto Porter could learn a thing or two from him.

John Wall – You may have had led the league in assists last year, but you also led the league in turnovers. Don’t think you can put one over on us, Mr. Thug Dancer.

Martell Webster – “I can see why he was once the #6 pick in the draft” – No one ever.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Theny » 29 Sep 2014, 19:42

If we can back this train up a bit....you claim the Heatles are in a smoldering crater similar to the Cavs four years ago. You got some nerve, DTF! They should at least be a top 4-5 team next year.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby SDGuy » 29 Sep 2014, 19:45

Triple-single :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Dthefritz » 29 Sep 2014, 19:50

ETA: Reformatted first post for JT99's viewing pleasure.

Theny wrote:If we can back this train up a bit....you claim the Heatles are in a smoldering crater similar to the Cavs four years ago. You got some nerve, DTF! They should at least be a top 4-5 team next year.

I sincerely hope you mean top 4-5 team in the East. In which case you'd still be wrong but not delusional.
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Re: NBA STONG TAEKS

Postby Theny » 29 Sep 2014, 19:51

Dthefritz wrote:ETA: Reformatted first post for JT99's viewing pleasure.

Theny wrote:If we can back this train up a bit....you claim the Heatles are in a smoldering crater similar to the Cavs four years ago. You got some nerve, DTF! They should at least be a top 4-5 team next year.

I sincerely hope you mean top 4-5 team in the East. In which case you'd still be wrong but not delusional.


In the East, yes. That's delusional? Really?
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