New Season Thread

New Season Thread

Postby Jew Jitsu » 31 Jul 2016, 21:04

Finally, it's time for training camps to open and with that the lull of the posting is in the rearview and we should start picking up business again ( :lol: ). For real though, one of the few SOTSG traditions we have (besides losing members and talking about hanging with in-laws on Saturday/Sunday) is handing out NFL team previews for all the member to ignore. I'll put the O/U on assignments completed at 6.5. I'll put the O/U on completed assignments worth reading at 2.5. Lets roll:



Seahawks: 10 wins - BIXBY
Niners: 5.5 wins - BOSUX
Cardinals: 9.5 wins - Fritz
Rams: 7.5 wins - IMS

Raiders: 8.5 wins - ONTB
Broncos: 9 wins - Mario
Chiefs: 8.5 wins - Maggie
Chargers: 7 wins - Babylurch

Saints: 7 wins - FTT
Falcons: 7.5 wins - Jike
Panthers: 10.5 wins - Flush
Buccaneers: 7.5 wins - Goose

Texans: 8.5 wins - TFWannabe
Titans: 5.5 wins - Colonel
Jaguars: 7.5 wins - Yokel
Colts: 9.5 wins - Mr. Farva

Packers: 10.5 wins - Wolf
Lions: 7 wins - BJD
Bears: 7.5 wins - Dong
Vikings: 9.5 wins - Urine

Browns: 4.5 wins - Jew
Steelers: 10.5 wins - JT99
Ravens: 8.5 wins - mj####
Bengals: 9.5 wins - Chrisco

Giants: 8.5 wins - Prez
Redskins: 7.5 wins - LDOTL
Cowboys: 9.5 wins - Boston, OF COURSE :lol: line never gets old, let me tell you
Eagles: 7 wins - PhillyJim 76

Patriots: 10.5 wins - Greg
Dolphins: 7 wins - Theny
Bills: 8 wins - 31
Jets: 8 wins - OJ#####

If I missed you, i'm sorry, feel free to pick your own team cause most of these won't get filled
ctz31 - Mon Mar 10, 2014 3:19 pm: Also blood people told me no alcohol for 24 hours. I made it 1.5.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby TVF wannabe » 01 Aug 2016, 10:16

Texans? I'll try and get to that at some point
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby Frank the Tank » 01 Aug 2016, 13:27

NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (o/u 7 wins)

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Re: New Season Thread

Postby Theny » 01 Aug 2016, 13:47

MIAMI DOLPHINS 7 Wins

Ah, football season in south Florida. At this point it merely tides us over til nba season starts.

This team is the definition of meh. Take the UNDER, they're going 6-10.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby Briandong79 » 01 Aug 2016, 13:53

CHICAGO BEARS 7.5 Wins

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They still have Cutler, they don't have Forte, they have Alshon and former 1st rounder Kevin White. The offense will be fine.

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The defense has sucked for a few years but I'm actually hearing pretty good things about them this year. I liked some of their signings, Trevathan is good. Pernell McPhee, very underrated.

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Tough division, 2 legit Super Bowl contenders in the same group. I don't like their odds getting to .500 this year. Take the UNDER

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PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby mj3528 » 01 Aug 2016, 13:56

Jew gets the Browns and I get the Ravens?

People are right, foreigners are taking our jobs.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby JichaelDick » 01 Aug 2016, 14:04

YOUR ATLANTA FALCONS!

O/U 7.5

Last season, the Falcons got off to a hot start before faltering down the stretch. The only semi-decent thing the team did was stun the Panthers in Week 16 to keep them from having an unbeaten regular season. But yeah, 8-8 in Dan Quinn's first season really did a lot to erase the stench of boredom that was the end of the Mike Smith era in Atlanta (an aside: Smith is either the best or second-best coach in Falcons history. Dear God, what are we?)

What the Falcons return: JUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUULIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Seriously, Julio Jones is great. Matt Ryan is a solid QB that was once called elite by Phil Simms (in the early part of a game the Falcs would lose 34-3 to Carolina to lose the 2014 NFC South title).

What the Falcs have gained: Alex Mack, ex-center for SOTSG's team, the Cleveland Browns. No word if a truck of GC-161 will be outside the Georgia Dome during the season to help him regain his former powers.

What the Falcs lost: Devin Hester. Ehh, great game against Tampa Bay in 2014 notwithstanding, he was decidedly meh in 2015 and is probably D-U-N done.

Schedule:

Week 1, Tampa Bay: Loss. Jameis owns the Falcs
Week 2, @Oakland: Loss. Really like the young talent in Oakland.
Week 3, @New Orleans: Loss. Just watch the debate that night if the Donald hasn't backed out by then. It'll be ugly, people.
Week 4, Carolina: Loss. No comment, other than Cam is going to be out for revenge and it will be a bloodbath
Week 5, @Denver: Loss. Jesus, who are the ad wizards who came up with this schedule?
Week 6, @Seattle: Loss. Good God. This is brutal!
Week 7, San Diego: Win. Falcons do just enough to annoy Phil Rivers, get on the winning side for once.
Week 8, Green Bay: Loss. Well, that was fun while it lasted.
Week 9, @Tampa Bay: Loss. Jameis owns the Falcs.
Week 10, @Philadelphia: Win. There's always one semi-inexplicable win on everybody's schedule. This is it.
Week 12, Arizona: Loss. O/U on Bruce Arians curse words during the game: 174.5. Take the over.
Week 13, Kansas City: Loss. Vanilla Vick, a.k.a. Alex Smith, goes wild. Andy has something cooked up for the Falcons' beleaguered defense
Week 14, @Los Angeles: Loss. By this point, Quinn has been fired and "Radio" Raheem Morris is the interim HC. Falcons play well for a half, leading fans to believe Raheem is the man for the job. Falcons implode in the second half, causing Arthur Blank to fire Raheem after the game.
Week 15, San Francisco: Win. Kyle Shanahan is given the reins, and thanks to some Colin Kaepernick screw-ups, the Falcons win 24-21. Blank offers Shanahan a 10-year contract on the spot.
Week 16, @Carolina: Loss. It gets ugly. Real ugly. Blank immediately buys out Shanahan's contract and makes him a door installer for the Marietta Home Depot.
Week 17, New Orleans: Win. Bryan Cox leads the Falcons to a 30-24 win, aided in large part due to Drew Brees' 1st half injury after the 5th late hit on him. Cox says he was just trying to teach the guys to play more aggressively, but Vic Beasley insists that Cox threatened to murder every member of the defense if Brees made it to the second half. Blank gives Cox a 2-year contract, but Roger Goodell suspends Cox and the rest of the Falcon coaches for the 2017 season for their roles in Bountygate II.

Final Record: 4-12. Take the under. Please, dear God, take the UNDER.

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TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby Goose » 01 Aug 2016, 14:18

O/U 7.5 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Take the under and start printing money.

Coming off a glorious 6-10 record where they finished last in the division behind such luminaries as the Saints and Falcons, the Bucs are poised to make some noise (kind of like a shart) in the NFC Central South. So let’s take a look at this schedule:

at Atlanta Falcons L
at Arizona Cardinals L
Los Angeles Rams W
Denver Broncos L
at Carolina Panthers L
BYE
at San Francisco 49ers L
Oakland Raiders W
Atlanta Falcons W
Chicago Bears L
at Kansas City Chiefs L
Seattle Seahawks L
at San Diego Chargers L
at New Orleans Saints W
at Dallas Cowboys L
New Orleans Saints L
Carolina Panthers L

In division you can expect a split with the other two mediocre teams and doing typical Buc things like beating the Saints in NO and losing to them two weeks later in Tampa. They’ll definitely lose both games against the Panthers and be killed by the Cardinals, Broncos, Chefs and Seahawks AND continue a pattern of losing every west coast game by dropping both games in California (Chargers, 49ers), but will beat one team at home from the west coast (Raiders). I can also see them inexplicably losing to the Cowboys and Bears. But at least they’ll probably beat the Cleveland LA St. Louis LA Rams.

So, I’ve got them regressing and going 4-12. ESPN has them going 8-8. But ESPN is stupid. They actually pay this guy to be a football expert:

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Draft class:

They drafted an undersized CB from UF in the 1st. He should be hurt before the bye week. They drafted a DE from Eastern Buttfuck (Kentucky) University. He’ll be out of football by 2018. They drafted a kicker from FSU third. After that, who cares? It’s all gravy once you get the kicker.

Free agents: They waived a shitload of guys, re-signed a running back with a lot of tread wear and signed QB Dan LeFevour (sounds kind of like Favre, if you mispronounce them both!).

Head coach: Dirk Koetter. Who the fuck is this guy? Sounds like a character from Archer. Looks like a guy who’ll have a coordinator job at Louisiana Tech in two years.

Where’s Lovie? The Buc’s fired Lovie over the phone. That sounds worse than it really is. They called Lovie and asked him to come to the office. Finally showing some foresight that could have actually served him as a football coach, if used prior to his last day on the job, he told them he wasn’t going to bother coming in just to get fired. So they fired him over the phone.

QB: LaJameis Winston. Threw for 4,000 yards and 22 TDs. Also, 15 picks. But, no rapes! Or at least no public charges of rape! I think he’s ready for an even bigger year. Which should be easy to do after he’s put his team in a 21-0 hole by halftime every week.

The rest of the team: Wall-to-wall mediocrity and sub-replacement level players.

Now let’s get to why you’re really here:

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Re: New Season Thread

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 01 Aug 2016, 15:01

JichaelDick wrote:YOUR ATLANTA FALCONS!

O/U 7.5

Week 10, @Philadelphia: Win. There's always one semi-inexplicable win on everybody's schedule. This is it.


The Eagles may win 4 games this year, bubba.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 02 Aug 2016, 11:25

Minnesota Vikings - 9.5

...I'm kinda stoked for this season....an avalanche of talent on defense, a coaching staff that knows what the fuck they're doing, they got a real good wide-out to go with Teddy who's primed for a breakout, and they improved their holy shit bad offensive line to not looking awful, and still AP...so it'll probably be a dumpster fire. To the preview!

Let's start on defense because Fuck and Yes. The d-line is Solomon's Treasure. You got Fatass Joseph as a terror on the inside with an improving Shariff Floyd, Everson Griffin on one side wrecking havoc, and Robison on the other with "youngest player in the league last year/all rookie team" Danielle Hunter ready to take over. They got some depth too but do we really want to talk about Tom Johnson? We do? Okay, big fan. And sometimes they'll knock Griffin or Robison to DT and bring Barr down to DE.

Which brings us to the linebackers and Anthony Barr. He is the modern Frankenstein but able to run circles around the villagers. Eric Kendricks is faster. Still got Greenway's competent, old, somewhat downsy ass too. There's some backups they like. I don't. Barr and Kendricks are enough nowadays.

The secondary is due for a breakout. Hitman Harrison is still one of the 3 best safeties in the league - come at me. Not sure who they'll put next to him - whiteass Sendejo? Free agent Michael Griffin? Doesn't matter, Smith does everything. Xavier is one of the best covers in the league - just can't make a play to save his life. Waynes came on a little bit last year and in the playoff game, be nice for him to finally make Newman take a seat on the bench - though Newman can still play somehow *cough* HGH *cough* And Munnerlyn and the kid from Clemson to round it out.

And Zimmer being Zimmer. Swooooooooooooooon.

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On offense, they gotta give Teddy the keys already. Let him shotgun for three quarters and AP can close in the fourth. Teddy can sling - under 15 yards. Man is he accurate - under 15 yards. Seriously that ball is on a laser-driven rope - under 15 yards. Sink or swim time.

AP.

The line is vastly improved on paper. Kalil is stil there, which sucks. But Boone is a pro bowler, Sullivan is healthy, Andre Smith's fatass titties, and they kept the somewhat average guys to fill in gaps here and there. But who knows. I ain't watching all-22 film. That's baiting time.

Receiving corps is...there. Diggs looked great for half a year. Rudy is either hurt or catching 5 yard touchdowns, there's no in between. Big fan of their other 3 tight ends too though, whose names I won't bore you with. Everyone's in love with the German because he's Aryan and we're a racist fanbase (FREROTTE SHOULD START OVER CULPEPPER!). Patterson's last stand. Big fan of Treadwell but gotta wait and see. In other words...eh. Norv better have some shit up his sleeve.

The kicking.....well, let's hope Walsh puts this behind him.

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This mongloid fans won't.

The schedule!
@Tennessee - Bwaha Mularky W
Green Bay - Stadium opener, Sunday Night Primetime, you'll get to watch them shit the bed against the Pack in a big game, a Vikings tradition L
@Carolina - I think Carolina is due for a MEAN regression W
NYG - Blow me, Beckham W
Houston - Matt Schaub isn't walking through that door W
BYE WEEK - Mani pedis for everyone!
@Philadelphia - Carson Wentz and Doug Pederson, Dear God. W
@Chicago - Halloween Monday night game! *wank* W
Detroit - Two mondays in a row, I'm so so sorry everyone W
@Washington - MEAAAAAAAAAAAAN regression W
Arizona - yeah no L
@Detroit - Thanksgiving game, damn. NFL thinks you'll want to see us a lot this year. So, so sorry. W
Dallas - Oh Thursday, again, so so sorry. L
@Jacksonville - D'ok W
Indianapolis - Luck's gonna need this more than the Vikes L
@Green Bay - XMas Eve! And that's an L
Chicago - New Years Day, jesus how many holidays can they put these assholes on. W

11-5. That seems reasonable.

And now, what you all came here for: Harcorde Nudity Work Sensors Approved JPEGS!

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5, 4, 2, 1, 3 - why the fuck is 3 front and center? Looks like a more made-up Miss Piggy.

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Fun Fact: After this picture was taken AP's dick immediately went into her mouth.

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"I pledge...uh....line?"

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The angle makes her look like Attack of the 50 Foot Avon lady.

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Everything about her screams "once double teamed at an off-campus party."

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Impressive wingspan.

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I see why the Vikings pillaged and raped.
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Briandong79 - Wed Sep 14, 2016 12:02 pm: 31, you're up.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby JT99 » 02 Aug 2016, 12:25

PITTSBURGH STEELERS (O/U 10.5)

As the O/U number exhibits, there are pretty high expectations around the Steelers this season. (Yes, "high", but we will get to that in a moment).

Here's how things breakdown:

Quarterback - One of the best in the league, Big Ben has complete command of the offense and can make big things happen when a play breaks down. As long as he is healthy, the offense is among top 2-3 in the league, if not the absolute best.

Running Back - Ignore games 1-4. From game 5 on, Pittsburgh had the best all-around back in the game. Of course, that is assuming that he can avoid smoking pot for the first month of the season, so that he doesnt join the Josh Gordon Inactive Club.

Wide Receiver - Antonio Brown is the best in the league. The other guys are okay but they pretty much get open because Brown is out there. Right now, Brown is less than excited about being the 29th-highest paid WR so who knows when this situation will go awry. Tight end Ladarius Green could be a thing this year; Ben likes his TEs.

Offensive Line - Mediocre. Probably better than last year with Maurkice Pouncey returning, though murder charges are always just a whisper away from this playa.

Front Seven - So, so, so not good. Cameron Heyward from THE Ohio State University is the best of the bunch with 57-year old James Harrison still ranking among the most productive (Congrats to his urine man for all the passed tests)

Secondary - Middle of the pack and potentially getting worse. They were bad last year and first round pick Artie Burns has received a stamp of approval from only one person I know - Theny. Uh oh.

Schedule:
at Washington - on Monday night...SMASH! 1-0
vs Bengals - at home without Bell 1-1
at Philly - Cruise control 2-1
vs KC - win a close one 3-1
vs Jets - rout 4-1
at Miami - Surprisingly close, but still 5-1
vs Pats - Carved up by Brady again 5-2
at Baltimore - Lose. "What's wrong with Steelers? on ESPN all week 5-3
vs Cowboys - bounceback win to shut up haters 6-3
at Cleveland - Win. "Steelers back on track" all week on ESPN 7-3
at Indianapolis - Another win. 8-3
vs NY Giants - Rolling, rolling, rolling 9-3
at Buffalo - Too late in season for Bills to still care 10-3
at Bengals - Lose, but will still go further in postseason 10-4
vs Ravens - Sweep season series 11-4
vs Browns - Layup heading into playoffs 12-4

Even with an unexpected loss (KC? Dallas? NY Giants?), Steeltown still hits the over.

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It's not just the towels that are terrible

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Ok, things are starting to pick up.

Ben, can you help?

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Not bad, not bad.

Do we have any other options?

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What say you, Ben? Rapeable or no?

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BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:26 Jan 2017 10:53: need the D
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby SouthernYokel » 02 Aug 2016, 14:03

Goose wrote:O/U 7.5 :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:

Take the under and start printing money.


i think i disagree with you. the bucs are my pick to be the random team that improves by 5 wins over the prior year. Jameis is good.



As for my Jaguars pick: UNDER 7.5. I don't know fuckall about them but they seem like they're still going to be that team who scores a shit load of points some weeks and then some weeks gets shut out by the Titans.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby babylurch » 02 Aug 2016, 18:55

Trying again:

O/U is 7. I envision a huge improvement over last year, and still falling short of 7 wins. But, who cares? The team is in San Diego, home of Torrey Pines.

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The team's CFO is a woman named Bonk.

jeanne.bonk.jpg


They serve Bloody Marys with pickled eggs.

breakfast mary.jpg


And they play in San Diego.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby Jew Jitsu » 02 Aug 2016, 20:33

I can see why the server didn't bother uploading this post the first time around
ctz31 - Mon Mar 10, 2014 3:19 pm: Also blood people told me no alcohol for 24 hours. I made it 1.5.
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Re: New Season Thread

Postby TheWolf » 02 Aug 2016, 22:06

Are those eggs pickled? They look like regular old deviled eggs to me.
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