Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

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Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 10 Nov 2017, 11:39

https://www.theringer.com/nfl/2017/11/1 ... ll-simmons

Little-known fact: Our Ringer family is exceptionally Philly-heavy thanks to executive editor Chris Ryan’s ongoing attempt to overthrow me, Stringer Bell–style, and rebuild The Ringer around a potential Philly sports boom. (I’m not worried—just remember what happened to Stringer Bell.)


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PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 10 Nov 2017, 12:13

Positives to keep remembering: franchise QB; ridiculous front seven; possible 1-seed; lousy NFC; no Aaron Rodgers; shaky Pats and Seahawks teams; potential home playoff games against Case Keenum and Jared Goff. Also, Doug Pederson isn’t getting out-coached by any NFC coach except the King of Millennials (Sean McVay). And isn’t a possible NFC championship game that’s really The Guys Cleveland Could Have Had Bowl (Wentz and Goff) just about the Brownsiest thing that could happen?



I agree - the Eagles would love a game in the NFC Championship against Goff and the one NFC coach who could outcoach Pederson. That's just sound logic.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby paje » 10 Nov 2017, 14:40

MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Positives to keep remembering: franchise QB; ridiculous front seven; possible 1-seed; lousy NFC; no Aaron Rodgers; shaky Pats and Seahawks teams; potential home playoff games against Case Keenum and Jared Goff. Also, Doug Pederson isn’t getting out-coached by any NFC coach except the King of Millennials (Sean McVay). And isn’t a possible NFC championship game that’s really The Guys Cleveland Could Have Had Bowl (Wentz and Goff) just about the Brownsiest thing that could happen?



I agree - the Eagles would love a game in the NFC Championship against Goff and the one NFC coach who could outcoach Pederson. That's just sound logic.


Is Goff even a "guy Cleveland could have had"? I thought Philly traded with Cleveland to get up to #2. So even if Cleveland hung on to the pick the Rams would have taken Goff.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 10 Nov 2017, 14:54

paje wrote:
MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Positives to keep remembering: franchise QB; ridiculous front seven; possible 1-seed; lousy NFC; no Aaron Rodgers; shaky Pats and Seahawks teams; potential home playoff games against Case Keenum and Jared Goff. Also, Doug Pederson isn’t getting out-coached by any NFC coach except the King of Millennials (Sean McVay). And isn’t a possible NFC championship game that’s really The Guys Cleveland Could Have Had Bowl (Wentz and Goff) just about the Brownsiest thing that could happen?



I agree - the Eagles would love a game in the NFC Championship against Goff and the one NFC coach who could outcoach Pederson. That's just sound logic.


Is Goff even a "guy Cleveland could have had"? I thought Philly traded with Cleveland to get up to #2. So even if Cleveland hung on to the pick the Rams would have taken Goff.


Ah the one that got away, huh Jim? /Simmons
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PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby Briandong79 » 10 Nov 2017, 15:00

paje wrote:
MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Positives to keep remembering: franchise QB; ridiculous front seven; possible 1-seed; lousy NFC; no Aaron Rodgers; shaky Pats and Seahawks teams; potential home playoff games against Case Keenum and Jared Goff. Also, Doug Pederson isn’t getting out-coached by any NFC coach except the King of Millennials (Sean McVay). And isn’t a possible NFC championship game that’s really The Guys Cleveland Could Have Had Bowl (Wentz and Goff) just about the Brownsiest thing that could happen?



I agree - the Eagles would love a game in the NFC Championship against Goff and the one NFC coach who could outcoach Pederson. That's just sound logic.


Is Goff even a "guy Cleveland could have had"? I thought Philly traded with Cleveland to get up to #2. So even if Cleveland hung on to the pick the Rams would have taken Goff.


The Rams traded up with someone though to get Goff, so arguably Philly could have traded up to the #1 to get him. So not really got away, but plausible they could have gotten him.
PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby PhillyJim76 » 10 Nov 2017, 15:57

I do love the Neanderthals in Philadelphia who don’t acknowledge that Jared Goff is playing pretty well right now
It feels so good to be back.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby Briandong79 » 10 Nov 2017, 16:07

I'd be happy to not read another article by someone who doesn't actually understand what collusion entails. I feel like that's not too much to ask.

ETA: To give Bill some credit, the Hunter Renfro joke made me chuckle.
PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby Dthefritz » 11 Nov 2017, 13:41

Q: Literally every player needs a nickname, especially the fun ones.

No, no they don't. Did Brett Favre have a nickname? Peyton Manning? John Elway? Aaron Rodgers? Steve Young? Drew Brees? Tony Romo? I think Wentz should count himself lucky if he has half as good a career as any of those guys. I'm not saying none of these guys had nicknames that caught on briefly, but nothing that will forever be associated with him.

Q: Why isn't “Utah Jazz” a genre of music? Like I want to scroll through XM radio and find the “UTAH JAZZ” channel and find out exactly what instruments/lyrics this exciting new genre would have.
—Jed, Wisconsin

Intelligent Design: refuted.

Q: You love it when athletes date. What do you think about the future kids of newly engaged Caroline Wozniacki and David Lee? Did anyone even know they were dating?
—PC, New York

Hey, maybe those two athletes will have children who are good at athletics! Biologist Bill is on the case.

Q: At what point does an actor like Tom Cruise flip the switch from I’m still young and still got it to the grizzled handsome old guy.

America's heterosexual males with good taste in movies are eagerly awaiting the answer to this question.

Q: I can't believe The Challenge XXX: Dirty 30 is over and you never did an NBA/Challenge crossover column! I was so fake outraged I came up with my own comparisons.

I have to give Bill some credit here. He's started to figure out which parts of his column are dumb enough to be outsourced to his readers. Besides all of it, that is.

BS: That podcast is coming sooner than you think. You know what’s not coming? Varsity Blues 2. I share Clippers tickets with Blues producer, 30 for 30 director, and tortured Philly fan Mike Tollin. During the CP3 era, we were so bored at one of those everyone-hates-each-other home games that I annoyed everyone in our section by pitching Varsity Blues 2.

You would think there's an unspoken rule at LA sporting events that show business types can attend a game in peace without having to listen to movie pitches from mouthbreathers.

Q: It's way too early, but based on your initial impression of the first three weeks, what would the top 10 picks of the draft look like if you could redo it now?
—Paul from Seattle (by way of Chicago)

How to get Bill to talk about sports instead of Tom Cruise or Reality TV: a) ask him for some arbitrary and meaningless rankings that will be completely useless in two weeks b) mention Boston teams c) file not found.

Q: Great NFL QBs have names like the ones you mentioned in last week's column. But why did Colt McCoy fail in the NFL? Because he has a great college QB name

Thank god we saved this theory at the last minute with some after the fact rule. That's a very good sign that the theory is really useful.

Q: You’re the GM—you have two choices for your team for the QB position. You taking vintage Jay Cutler or vintage Jeff George?
—Harry Webb, Nuku’alofa, Tonga

Follow up: Do you think this Barry Sanders kid might have a future in the pros?

Q: Any time you mention The Ringer’s NBA slack in a podcast I keep picturing you guys making dozens of jokes about Royce Young’s latest defensive pro-Westbrook tweet. Why don’t you charge $4.99 a month for people to read your NBA Slack?
—Jonah, Frederick, Md.

Because you can just look at the replies to Royce Young's tweet and get all the same jokes for free?

Q: Joe Flacco's response on his focus after the bye week: “We just have to go after it. We can't sit back and just expect us to not lose football games.” Is it just me or is Joe realizing he's a god-awful quarterback and auditioning for the next commentating job?

You mean he gave a awkwardly-worded meaningless answer to a reporter? This is really significant in terms of assessing the career arc of any athlete.

[note: this is Bill in response to a question about Group TD celebrations]The Mock Goodell Draft-Day Hug.

Here’s how it goes. Guy scores a touchdown. A teammate runs 10 feet away from him, stops, and fake-announces a name at a fake podium, then turns toward the scorer. The scorer then walks over to the player like he’s just been drafted; they re-enact one of those obnoxiously over-the-top, full-body Goodell hugs; then five teammates rush in front of them like fake photographers, then the scorer and Fake Goodell pose for fake pictures.

And then … the scorer turns and clotheslines Fake Goodell like they’re Paul Orndorff and Hulk Hogan. Fake Goodell fake-falls to the ground and 7-8 players come over and fake-kick him. Now THAT would get everyone suspended.

I can't believe this guy failed as a comedy writer.

Last week: 0-1, $1,360
Season: 15-14, -1,755

Or a gambler.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 11 Nov 2017, 20:17

Dthefritz wrote:
[note: this is Bill in response to a question about Group TD celebrations]The Mock Goodell Draft-Day Hug.

Here’s how it goes. Guy scores a touchdown. A teammate runs 10 feet away from him, stops, and fake-announces a name at a fake podium, then turns toward the scorer. The scorer then walks over to the player like he’s just been drafted; they re-enact one of those obnoxiously over-the-top, full-body Goodell hugs; then five teammates rush in front of them like fake photographers, then the scorer and Fake Goodell pose for fake pictures.

And then … the scorer turns and clotheslines Fake Goodell like they’re Paul Orndorff and Hulk Hogan. Fake Goodell fake-falls to the ground and 7-8 players come over and fake-kick him. Now THAT would get everyone suspended.

I can't believe this guy failed as a comedy writer.

Last week: 0-1, $1,360
Season: 15-14, -1,755

Or a gambler.


:lol:
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby jman » 12 Nov 2017, 19:58

Dthefritz wrote:
Q: You’re the GM—you have two choices for your team for the QB position. You taking vintage Jay Cutler or vintage Jeff George?
—Harry Webb, Nuku’alofa, Tonga

Follow up: Do you think this Barry Sanders kid might have a future in the pros?


Bill just included this so he can brag about having a reader in Tonga. Whatever that is.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby Dthefritz » 13 Nov 2017, 19:21

jman wrote:
Dthefritz wrote:
Q: You’re the GM—you have two choices for your team for the QB position. You taking vintage Jay Cutler or vintage Jeff George?
—Harry Webb, Nuku’alofa, Tonga

Follow up: Do you think this Barry Sanders kid might have a future in the pros?


Bill just included this so he can brag about having a reader in Tonga. Whatever that is.

While you're of course right, I don't really blame him for that. Printing e-mails from r-tards all over the world is just good business. But in this case, the e-mail was a reach even by the mailbag's own dismal standards, I decided to give him shit for that instead.
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Re: Bill’s Impotent Mailbag for Nov 10, 2017

Postby Gregs Kite » 13 Nov 2017, 19:24

DISMAL STANDARDS??? But but bbbbut he's the most popular sportswriter in America who makes millions of dollars through ineptitude and he's a butt buddy cuz LOLZ he's gay get it homophobia ftw!
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Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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