Holy shit and blah blah blah are right. He took a 5 paragraph article and turned it into 20,000 words of masturbatory nonsense. For tradition's sake I will try to tackle as much of this as possible, but I'm honestly at a loss for words. He is the goddamn stupidest, most self-involved, unclever asswipe on the face of planet earth.
Westbrook pushes the ball quickly, skipping along the court like a gymnast building momentum for a double salto with a twist. Right around midcourt, he throws on Terminator sunglasses and calculates the remaining dangers.
Yup, that's exactly what he does. He turns into an athlete from an entirely different sport and then into an action movie character from 33 years ago. This is what basketball is like, reality tv fans!
Russ solves everything in 0.034 seconds, only as he does it, he transforms from the Terminator into a Tesla.
He always beats the first two guys because they’re backpedaling, and unlike Russ, they’re actually human beings. They never had a chance. But the third guy — he’s always taller and he’s determined to avoid ending up on YouTube or Twitter.
Or he doesn't want to give up a basket, because he's playing defense in a game of basket-ball.
He either wants to block the shot or plow into Russ like a strong safety.
But if he can negotiate an exclusive deal not to end up mocked on social media, he'll give that basket right up!
One problem: Suddenly, Russ is coming right at him. At 75 miles per hour.
The third guy didn’t expect … this.
Why? Because the third guy has never played against the Oklahoma City Thunder in the past 9 years? Because he' s a rookie who hasn't followed the NBA ever?
Instinctively, he loses his balance because that’s what normal human beings do whenever a machine seems intent on pancaking them.
But only a Tesla! If you see a cement truck or a Nissan Altima, you're instincts are probably telling you that everything's OK.
When that happens, Russ makes one of two last-second audibles: Either he veers by the defender and finishes (lefty or righty, doesn’t matter), or he lurches into him, draws contact and tries to finish the “And-1!” layup.
When you're driving full speed at the hoop, and you encounter a defender who holds his position, you will either collide with him or go around him. Also, the angles in a square add up to 360 degrees and water freezes at 32 degrees faranheit. Pay attention kids, you just might learn something from this Bill fella!
Every 10th time, Westbrook’s robot wiring gets double-crossed
BUT HE ALREADY TURNED FROM A TERMINATOR INTO A TESLA! HOW DID HE GO BACK TO BEING A ROBOT SO QUICKLY??? MAN HE'S REALLY SOMETHING. HE'S A TOP 7 ROBOT CAR HYBRID AS I DEFINITIVELY ESTABLISHED IN MY COLUMN LAST WEEK.
and he accidentally bowls the dude over. The other nine times lead to a layup, a foul, a three-point play, or Russ blowing the layup and scowling at an official for the next 30 seconds.
If you drive and there's contact on the attempt, you will either make the layup without a foul being called, make the layup with a foul being called and get a chance for an additional point at the free throw line, miss the layup with a foul and get a chance for two points at the free throw line, or miss the layup with no foul call and earn zero points. Did you know that? I bet you've never had Magic Johnson on YOUR podcast.
In my lifetime, I have seen only four other basketball players turn one-on-three fast breaks into layups whenever they wanted:
Did I ever tell you I watch the NBA and generally know who the really good players are? Let me tell you some shit you already know. Let's skip a head several paragraphs
LeBron cares less about numbers than any all-timer since Bird and Magic
Bill for like two decades: You peons don't appreciate Tim Duncan! He transcends mere numbers due to his unselfishness.
Bill the first season after he retires: LeBron/Bird/Magic cared about the team. Everybody else good was pretty much a selfish assmuncher.
only once, when he spent the first two months of the 2012–13 season making a genuine effort to shoot 60 percent (and taking only lower-risk shots), did LeBron allow numbers to frame the way he played. Eventually, he realized that wasn’t him.
Or maybe, he was doing it because he was bored after his first title, and then decided to move onto something else equally trivial to assuage his boredom. Not every routine occurrence in basketball is some pivotal moment in the terrible screenplay in your head.
The opposite happened with Westbrook: Freed of sharing the ball with Kevin Durant, he’s chasing numbers like nobody has since Wilt Chamberlain in 1962.
And this is where we get into the real teeth of his idiocy. We are to understand from Bill that Pete Maravich, arguably the biggest show-off, ball-hog, numbers-chaser in NBA history was a winner who was cursed by bad teammates. We are further to understand that Allen Iverson, statistically also one of the biggest ballhogs in NBA history, was a winner who was cursed by bad teammates. But Wilt Chamberlain, who actually won titles and blows the numbers put up by Iverson, maravich, and everybody else in NBA history, was a loser, closeted, pussy who didn't understand the true meaning of Christmas. Shut the fuck up, Bill. Be happy with Russell's 8 gazillion titles.
In fact, even Wilt never hogged the ball like Westbrook does. Statistically, Russell Westbrook is the biggest ball hog of all time.
So the minute he stops engaging in stupid analogies and lunkheaded armchair psychology, he cites a fact and makes a decent point. What are the odds??? So glad he didn't just start his article with this factoid and skip everything above it.
He’s taken the delicate framework of a successful basketball team — five players working together, sharing the ball, making each other better — and thrown it out the window.
Yeah, I forgot how much better Durant made everyone around him, and how much he shared the ball, what with his taking nearly 19 shots per game over the life of his SEA/OKC career.
He’s fueling a Thunder team that’s the complete opposite of the ’77 Blazers, ’86 Celtics, ’05 Suns and ’15 Warriors.
He's the best player on a team that gets outscored when he's on the bench. Let's yell at him for not being on a historically great team with multiple hall of famers!
And he’s incredible to watch. I just want to make that clear … in all caps … I AM ENJOYING THE LIVING HELL OUT OF THIS WESTBROOK SEASON.
Everybody [well mostly everybody] is enjoying the living hell out of his awesome play. That has zero to do with the argument you've introduced.
It’s a spectacular individual achievement that ranks right up there with everything Keanu pulled off in John Wick: Chapter 2. Russ is leaving a body count and doing everything himself. Repeat: everything.
Hey guys who don't watch sports: Just compare Westbrook to John Wick. That will endear you to the people who actually care about this game!
But would you want to play on his team?
Would "I" want to play in the NBA alongside a supremely talented player who gives me a good chance of winning every night? Yes. Yes I would.
Any pickup basketball junkie has dealt with
A set of circumstances that has fucking nothing to do with NBA basketball.
a more annoying, less redeeming version of Westbrook
If he was as redeeming as Westbrook, and I really really cared about winning, I'd get the fuck over it.
You might arrive at the same time as this guy, and he might ask if you want to run with him. Your ensuing split-second decision: “If I say yes, I might get to stay on the court for three hours … but it’s NOT going to be that fun.”
And playing in the NBA has no increased stakes, scrutiny, or any different level of pride or competitiveness on the line. So it's really a perfect analogy when you think about it.
You’re competitive. You say yes. You spend the next two games setting picks, grabbing rebounds and playing defense. (You’re Steven Adams.)
So I'm getting paid $10 million a year to set picks, grab rebounds and play defense? Sign me up!
You’re definitely getting good exercise. (You’re Andre Roberson.)
I get paid to stay in top physical condition, because I'm in the top 0.001% of athletes in the country? How awful!
Every so often, he throws you a pass because he’s triple-teamed; you’re expected to make a wide-open shot even though you’re ice-cold and barely remember what a basketball feels like.
PROFESSIONAL BASKETBALL PLAYERS ARE EXPECTED TO MAKE WIDE OPEN SHOTS???? SINCE WHEN????
Once in a while, he feels bad and passes you the ball, so you immediately try to create a shot because you never know when you’re getting the ball back again. (You’re Victor Oladipo.)
I'm a starting shooting guard in the NBA and I'm expected to generate offense with the ball in my hands? I may as well be singing "Go Down, Moses" in the cotton fields of Georgia.
And that’s just how it goes. At some point, you start checking out everyone on the sideline waiting for the next game.
Boy, this analogy isn't falling apart at all. Pro Sports and Pickup Games are the exact same thing, I'm convinced of it.
Do they need a fifth? Wait, I know that guy! Should I hand-signal him that I want in?
HAHAHAHA, you dumbass. You would willingly leave the court on a winning pickup team, and say you have deep insight into the mindset of highly competitive professional athletes? If you ever need proof the man shouldn't be listened to on matters of sports, or anything, there it is.