Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

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Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 19 Jan 2017, 12:46

Apr 22, 2015 3:49 pm Clayton Bigsby i enjoy sports

Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Briandong79 » 19 Jan 2017, 12:53

Uh oh, Sports Dad LOVES Embiid.
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Dthefritz » 19 Jan 2017, 19:39

In Adam Silver’s latest attempt to throw a no-hitter for the decade

Even if you clicked on a word document of this column without any idea of what you were opening, you could pretty reasonably assume you were reading Bill. Meaningless cross-sport reference, excessive praise for the NBA commissioner, generally terrible way to open a column. Here we are!

the NBA changed its voting process for the 2017 All-Star Game next month.

To go with Bill's horrible analogy, if we're going to assume that Silver's first big strikeout was his handling of the Sterling situation [not saying he handled it perfectly, but going with Bill's idea]. then this would be correctly scratching his balls between pitches. I mean really.

Gone are the days of homer fans voting for undeserving starters

Yeah! What a horrific injustice that was! I mean, people get riled up about all-star votes, but they're forgotten pretty quickly.

or the league occasionally fudging ballot numbers at the 11th hour to undo the damage — like in 2009, when Paul Pierce and Chris Bosh miraculously held off Yi Jianlian for the East’s backup forward spots in my favorite NBA scandal that wasn’t actually a scandal (because nobody gave a crap).

So...Adam Silver is the Nolan Ryan of sports commissioners because he's fixing something that you admit nobody gives a crap about. Really I could end my critique right here, as he's pretty much rendered his whole premise invalid. And correctly so. But there's so much delicious stupid to sink our teeth into!

Starting this winter, fans control only 50 percent of the vote; players and media members split the other half. My media ballot arrived last week

Oh, did it now! How important you must feel.

the NBA wanted votes for two “backcourt” starters and three “frontcourt” starters in each conference. None of this matters 

Because it's the all-star game and it doesn't really mean anything which anybody with half a brain knows? End of column?

not when the All-Star Game will be hijacked by the relentless awkwardness of Russell Westbrook playing with Kevin Durant again.

Oh. Yeah, I guess that will be awkward. They're also generally adults. Westbrook is still probably mad at Durant, but I'm guessing he'll be passive aggressive and nobody but Dr. Body Language/Bachelor-Sports Comparisons will be obsessing about said passive aggression during the telecast.

Will they interact? Will they look at each other?

Jesus, dramatic much? Yeah, Russ isn't happy about the situation, but it's not like Shaq and Kobe playing together after he snitched on Shaq's dicking around and contributed to the breakup of their marriage. There have been much worse beefs between athletes than this.

It’s like if Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were to cohost the Oscars

ZING BITCHEZZZZ!

We won’t even notice the other 22 players unless Giannis dunks from the 3-point line or something.

That is not something he can do. Stop exaggerating the abilities fo this good and fun-to-watch player. It's annoying.

Now that we’ve left centers for dead, the NBA wants us to reward the three best “frontcourt” dudes without considering seemingly important questions like “Who would protect the rim in an actual game?”

Because interior defense is so stout in the all-star game.

“What would happen if any of the five starters had to defend Joel Embiid or Marc Gasol?”

They get a bunch of easy baskets, which they would anyway cause it's the fucking all-star game and no one's playing any defense.

Apparently, it doesn’t matter who wins or loses the All-Star Game anymore;

It never did, you dolt. I'm sure you have some story about Oscar Robertson or Magic Johnson going on an epic run in the 4th quarter to bring their team back in some forgotten ASG. It still didn't ultimately matter who won. Because it's a fucking all-star game.

we’re 10 years away from not keeping score and handing out participation trophies.

"Players used to live next door to ordinary people"
"Uh-huh, grandpa"
"And they had jobs in the offseason"
"Uh-huh, grandpa"
"And the All-Star games used to really mean something!"
"Hey, nurse pull the plug, he's pretty much a vegetable who's not making any goddamn sense"

crossed off the following frontcourters: Karl Anthony-Towns (the West’s center for the Good Stats/Bad Team All-Stars — not a compliment)

Wait for all his ridiculous flip-flops on the Good Stats/Bad Team concept. It's wondrous.

LaMarcus Aldridge (the league’s best player that you’d never want to pay to see)

Wait a minute! You were just telling us to scrub behind our ears, eat our broccoli and pay attention to what's REALLY IMPORTANT. Now you're condemning a guy because he isn't fun to watch?

Gordon Hayward (just good enough to help you get to Round 2, not quite good enough to win Game 7 on the road)

Who could forgot the inspiring one time Hayward made the playoffs and got swept, as a rookie averaging 11.8 ppg, and as a budding franchise guy leading them to the playoffs zero out of the next four years? He practically guarantees a Top 4 seed just by showing up!

DeAndre Jordan (officially underrated, probably makes it in the East)

Underrated? If so, only because people like you constantly trashed him for no good reason. [Yes, even before the Dallas fiasco]. Everybody with a brain realizes he's an awesome rebounder, rim/protector and guy who can roll off screens and finish alley-oops, and not much else.

Marc Gasol (properly rated, beloved by basketball nerds, unquestionably makes it in the East).

You mean beloved by idiots like you who went off the reservation to vote him as DPOY because Dwight Howard is a stupid jerkface. He's pretty damn good, though.

My second-toughest cross-off: Boogie Cousins brings flashy numbers (28 and 10, 27.0 PER) and unexpected 3-point range (4.8 per game, 37 percent), only it hasn’t translated to victories during the *best* teammates/coaching/stadium/fans stretch of his career. (Note: I put asterisks around “best” the same way you would if you wrote that Ghost Rider was Nic Cage’s *best* movie of the past 10 years.)

Don't put an asterisk, then. Just admit his team fucking sucks as everybody in the world realizes.

His fans love him unconditionally. His coach built Sacramento’s offense around him (again).

And what an offense it was, stacked with guys who need the ball in their hands and can't shoot!

His Boogie-centric organization rarely holds him accountable, not even when he melts down during games like a spoiled brat whose Xbox got accidentally disconnected.

Sounds like THE CEO is on blast!

To his credit, Cousins stays in shape and works diligently on his offensive game. And he’s been saddled with obstacles ranging from the bumbling Maloofs to botched lottery picks to bad luck (like Rudy Gay possibly tearing his Achilles on Wednesday night). But since his rookie season, Boogie’s win-loss records look like this …

A bunch of shitty records. Ok, that's all well and good. Let's skip forward to the next point:

Compare that to Rudy Gobert, my toughest frontcourt cross-off and the NBA’s best rim protector/paint intimidator. Right now, the Jazz are allowing 94.9 points per game (first in the NBA by far) and 43.1 percent shooting (first in the NBA). The no. 1 reason? The Stifle Tower.

All fair.

Give Gobert decent teammates and he’ll give you a top-five defense and probably 43 to 45 wins.

Number of times Gobert has won 43 games in a season: 0. He'll probably get there this year, TBF, but Gordon Haywood is better than a "decent teammate". He's a borderline all-star as we just admitted like three paragraphs ago. He is significantly better than any teammate Cousins has had.

If he inks that rumored $207 million extension without knowing whether Sacramento has ANY clue how to build a nucleus around him, that makes me wonder whether Boogie doesn’t mind … this.

You would think NBA salary cap mega-genius Bill SImmons would have figured out that after the Durant signing, the new CBA is practically draconian in the money you are forced to give up if you're a franchise-caliber player want to switch teams as a free agent. LeBron gave up a negligible amount of money, Durant is banking on another potential max, making his decision a potential financial net gain. Cousins? He would be leaving the GDP of a small island nation on the table. And it's not like he's a guy raking in endorsement money like those two. We have no apples/apples comparison here other than Westbrook, who is of course noble and heroic for signing an extension, because reasons.

After all, he gets his numbers every year, and if/when they miss the playoffs, then it’s everyone else’s fault. If they turn it around, even better — he’s the loyal star who stayed. Well played, Boogie. I’d rather have Gobert.

If you have a well balanced team with a bunch of offense, then having Gobert instead is only kind of dumb. If all else is equal, it's fucking moronic.

Anyway, our three frontcourt picks are unassailable: Kawhi Leonard (the Sharktopus), Kevin Durant (hold that thought), and #FreeAnthonyDavis.

Oh boy, another guy who made the playoffs once in his life and got swept. 0-4 in the playoffs is better than 0-0, DeMarcus Criminal! It's math!

Why did Boogie’s record (16–23) help invalidate him but Davis’s record (15–24) not matter?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh boy.

Well, Davis is a superior player on both ends (29 and 12, 2.5 blocks, 50% FG, 28.3 PER, unstoppable face-up game)

That much is true. And you should have quit while you were ahead. Let's watch him back the whole anti-Cousins argument he just made right into his garage.

he’s an easier teammate (it’s true)

First of all, adding "(it's true)" to the end of the sentence is fucking horrific writing. I guess most people would agree with this statement, but it's hardly capable of being an objectively verified fact.

and he’s saddled with the worst two-through-15 supporting cast other than the Brooklyn Nyets. Not to be mean to the city that gave me my first Super Bowl and multiple monster nights at Harrah’s that I’ll be feeling on my deathbed — I love New Orleans — but that’s been the worst ownership/front-office situation for the entire 2010s.

Holy dogshit are you serious? You just mentioned the Kings and Nets. There is no way they've fucked up worse than those teams.

Has Davis already passed Orlando T-Mac on the We Need To Get That Guy Out Of There Scale? Absolutely.

Is Simmons Capitalizing Things Unnecessarily? Is he spouting a bunch of rhetorical questions that in no way prove the highly dubious proposition Anthony Davis is somehow less responsible for his team's failures than Cousins?

Eric Gordon (he stole Klay Thompson’s stats)

You mean the guy that New Orleans acquired two years ago to help out poor Anthony Davis? Is putting up the same numbers as the #2 offensive option on the best regular season team of all time? This was a member of the worst set of teammates in the history of mankind doing things together?

A scant 0.03 seconds later, I crossed off Chris Paul (out for six to eight weeks because the Clippers are cursed) and Steph Curry (healthy!) — not because they did anything wrong, but because Westbrook and Harden obliterated the field.

Of course Curry got voted in as a starter. But hard to argue with Bill here.

If you’re wondering, Harden is my no-brainer MVP so far. He and his spirit animal, Mike D’Antoni, basically created a new style of basketball

HOLY SHIT HE POPULARIZED MODERN SMALLBALL 12 YEARS AGO. HE DIDN'T "BASICALLY" CREATE ANYTHING JUST NOW, HE TAILORED HIS EXISTING TO HIS STAR PLAYER. THIS ISN'T FUCKING NUCLEAR PHYSICS.

only it’s not replicable

The offense he created in 2004 has been replicated to some degree by several NBA championship teams. Even Greg Popovich, the smuggest bastard walking this earth credited D'Antoni with creating the offense he basically stole.

Oh, and NOBODY ELSE has James Harden.

More top-notch writing.

If Seven Seconds or Less was, “Give the ball to Steve Nash with pace,” then Seventeen Seconds or More is, “Spread the floor for James for 17 seconds, he’s a genius, he can get to any spot he wants, he’ll figure this out.” It’s unbelievable.

Here are the relatively minor differences between the two offenses. This proves that planet is off its fucking axis.

Here’s what shocked me about those choices. I never considered Steph Curry. You know, the guy who owned the NBA for two straight years?

Owned the NBA = played like a bitch in two straight NBA finals.

The most popular player since Jordan?

I wouldn't be completely shocked if he has some jersey sales or q-rating metric to back this up, but really? He was definitively more popular than LeBron or Kobe or Allen Iverson? Seems hard to prove.

The league’s best with-the-ball magician since Magic and Maravich? That guy?

No. No. No. That is 100% not what he is. An awesome ballhandler for sure, but he's special because of his shooting and quick release. He's not more of a "with-the-ball magician" [stellar terminology, imo] than Steve Nash or Tim Hardaway. He can't even fanwank Steph Curry properly. How is he the most popular basketball writer in America?

Jesus, that's all I can take for now.
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 19 Jan 2017, 20:20

You're severely underestimating the overdramatic nature of this Durant/Westbrook tiff.

And goddammit I wish I put money on you sprinting to the defense of Thuggish Ruggish Boogie, noted coach killer and perennial loser.
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Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Dthefritz » 19 Jan 2017, 20:35

Gregs Kite wrote:And goddammit I wish I put money on you sprinting to the defense of Thuggish Ruggish Boogie, noted coach killer and perennial loser.

And I wish I put money on you making this claim. Of course I've defended him elsewhere, but the only issue I pointed to here is that you can't paint Cousins as a perennial loser without also spearing Brow with the same logic. Those who would defend both or defend neither would still agree on that much.
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 19 Jan 2017, 21:42

That was great, D.

I had a cat at the Pitt/Jolie remark.
PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby mister bacon » 20 Jan 2017, 10:19

Gregs Kite wrote: noted coach killer and perennial loser.


which of his coaches was worth saving?
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 20 Jan 2017, 10:25

mister bacon wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote: noted coach killer and perennial loser.


which of his coaches was worth saving?


You're right, dude. Let's take away a (white) guy's job because the star (black) player is a surly prick who cannot seem to elevate his team out of mediocrity.
Apr 22, 2015 3:49 pm Clayton Bigsby i enjoy sports

Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 20 Jan 2017, 10:29

Dthefritz wrote:
The most popular player since Jordan?

I wouldn't be completely shocked if he has some jersey sales or q-rating metric to back this up, but really? He was definitively more popular than LeBron or Kobe or Allen Iverson? Seems hard to prove.


Like, seriously? You could even toss Wade or Melo on that list. Curry the most popular since Jordan? D'ok.

mister bacon wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote: noted coach killer and perennial loser.


which of his coaches was worth saving?


Malone. But the organization is a fucking trainwreck and didn't realize he should've been kept.

I saw a Boogie/Wolves game a month or so ago and he came out and drilled 3 threes to start the second half. He's unbelievable.
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 20 Jan 2017, 10:48

MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Dthefritz wrote:
The most popular player since Jordan?

I wouldn't be completely shocked if he has some jersey sales or q-rating metric to back this up, but really? He was definitively more popular than LeBron or Kobe or Allen Iverson? Seems hard to prove.


Like, seriously? You could even toss Wade or Melo on that list. Curry the most popular since Jordan? D'ok.

mister bacon wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote: noted coach killer and perennial loser.


which of his coaches was worth saving?


Malone. But the organization is a fucking trainwreck and didn't realize he should've been kept.

I saw a Boogie/Wolves game a month or so ago and he came out and drilled 3 threes to start the second half. He's unbelievable.


Pretty sure we've been through this before. It rarely matters how good the coach is in the NBA. How good is Coach Spo this year? Okay.

If Boogie is that unbelievable he should, SHOULD be able to get his team to the playoffs once in his six years.
Apr 22, 2015 3:49 pm Clayton Bigsby i enjoy sports

Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 20 Jan 2017, 11:02

Gregs Kite wrote:
MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Dthefritz wrote:
The most popular player since Jordan?

I wouldn't be completely shocked if he has some jersey sales or q-rating metric to back this up, but really? He was definitively more popular than LeBron or Kobe or Allen Iverson? Seems hard to prove.


Like, seriously? You could even toss Wade or Melo on that list. Curry the most popular since Jordan? D'ok.

mister bacon wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote: noted coach killer and perennial loser.


which of his coaches was worth saving?


Malone. But the organization is a fucking trainwreck and didn't realize he should've been kept.

I saw a Boogie/Wolves game a month or so ago and he came out and drilled 3 threes to start the second half. He's unbelievable.


Pretty sure we've been through this before. It rarely matters how good the coach is in the NBA. How good is Coach Spo this year? Okay.

If Boogie is that unbelievable he should, SHOULD be able to get his team to the playoffs once in his six years.


Dude.....have you seen a Kings game? Have you seen that roster? Have you read about that organization?

Fucking Jordan might be the GOAT but he really fucked up people's perceptions of basketball.
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 20 Jan 2017, 11:11

So the organization and roster are horrible.....and he's going to sign a max extension?
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Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 20 Jan 2017, 11:15

Gregs Kite wrote:So the organization and roster are horrible.....and he's going to sign a max extension?


Because the money is insane? obtuse motherfucker
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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby Gregs Kite » 20 Jan 2017, 11:18

MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote:So the organization and roster are horrible.....and he's going to sign a max extension?


Because the money is insane? obtuse motherfucker


Okay. I am happy for his bank account and look forward to him always being on a terrible team but he's like unbelievable and stuff.
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Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Bill Simmons Ringer Article about the NBA. He has fun.

Postby MisterTambourineMan » 20 Jan 2017, 11:25

Gregs Kite wrote:
MisterTambourineMan wrote:
Gregs Kite wrote:So the organization and roster are horrible.....and he's going to sign a max extension?


Because the money is insane? obtuse motherfucker


Okay. I am happy for his bank account and look forward to him always being on a terrible team but he's like unbelievable and stuff.


Image

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