26. See, I grew up with these guys. They can't play all that I can play. I'm past them as musicians, but the more popular we get, the bigger their houses get, the more responsibilities, the pressure, you know, it gets harder for me to walk out on them.
To LeBron James … no explanation needed.
Actually, you need to explain why this analogy makes sense, even though no one got a big payday from playing with leBron, and everybody in the world knew that team was him and a bunch of stiffs; but instead he just loudly announces how much sense his analogy made and just moves on;
27. It's all happening! It's all happening!
Great illustration of both the movie's brilliant screenplay and the specific nature of the quotes that Bill loves to hand out
If you didn't notice, they turned Zach Randolph into Blake Griffin and three quality bench guys (including Mark Madsen, the first towel-waving chemistry guy they've had since … since … since … I mean, have they ever had a towel-waving chemistry guy?
Who gives a horse fuck? You really think shit like that matters?
Another "Famous" line that could have worked for the Clips: "Some day, you'll be cool." One of my favorite moments of the movie, by the way -- young William's sister (played by the fetching Zooey Deschanel) leaving her albums under his bed, then telling him to burn candles and listen to The Who's "Tommy" so he could see his future.
CHILL SCENE!!! TEll ME Y0U D0N'T HAVE G00SEBUMPS! Y0U CAN'T!!!
Which he did. And he did.
What a gifted writer this man is
Reason No. 451 why I'm furious that I didn't have an older sister.
Because she definitely would have been unrealistically attractive and cool, and all those mean ppl in high school would have instead been nice to me to try to fuck her, AMIRITE???
28. We're buffoons! Rock 'n' roll can save the world? The chicks are great? I sound like a d---!
To Mike Dunleavy
Dude, Mike Dunleavy, as you yourself has pointed out, is the least self-aware dick in the history of dicks - you are literally using this quote to mean the opposite of what it meant in the movie;
29. You're funny. If you were only taller and English and rich and a guitar player and older …
I'd … I'd be somebody else.
Yeah. Good point.
I'm about to spring a gigantic idea on you. Your life is about to be altered in some small way.
The classic Simmons technique of using jokingly over the top cockiness to pretend like he isn't being a gloating shithead, when that is in fact 100% what he's doing; GENIUS ALERT EVERY1 -
There are three ways to change a franchise's identity. The first? Move. The second? Change your name and uniforms. The third? Change owners. Now, it makes no sense for the Clippers to move. (Note: They have maybe the cushiest arrangement in the NBA -- a favorable Staples Center lease and the ability to charge L.A. prices for bad teams.) It does make sense for them to change their name and uniforms and make a Patriots-like separation from their hideous past.
If Joey Harrington had gone by "Joe", he would have had a better career, ppl forget this
(Note: My friend Dameshek has been pushing for them to change their name to something like the "Hollywood Knights," "Hollywood Hills," "Hollywood Quakes" or "Hollywood Stars." I love this idea. It goes to show you how dumb the Clippers are that they haven't done this.
They're idiots for not enacting my friend's terrible idea that is probably a joke! Who do they think they are?
But for people to take them seriously both locally and nationally, Donald Sterling needs to sell the team. And according to everyone, he doesn't want to sell the team.
ok, end of discussion right?
So here's my big idea: Let's say you're ridiculously wealthy and you like sports. You know that Sterling paid $12 million for the Clips. According to Forbes, the Clippers are worth about $300 million right now (half of what the Lakers and Knicks are worth), which means he's already playing with house money from that 1981 purchase.
But you also know that he doesn't want to sell the team;
That's why you offer him nearly double what his franchise is worth. That's right, $600 million.
As it turns out, he had to be dragged to court just to accept over $1 Billion, because he didn't want to sell for any price - which we already established a paragraph ago - For all the wrong predictions in this article that Bill might get a pass on from a more lenient critic, he literally had the answer staring him in the face and ignored it; What a diptard
Of course, it's not really that ludicrous. You take over the team in the 2009-10 season, and the fans are pumped. You announce plans to blow up the organization and make everything first class across the board. You reach out to fans and promise there's a new sheriff in town and you're going to save the Clips much as Mark Cuban saved the Mavericks 10 years ago. You announce plans to change the team's name and uniforms. You fire Dunleavy and everyone in the front office, then spend big money on a quality coach and quality GM. You make it very, very, VERY clear that you will do anything you possibly can to acquire LeBron and make him your franchise player. And you know what else? You have enough money left over to sign one more marquee guy as well. Now you have LeBron, Gordon, Baron, Griffin, Kaman and Secondary Marquee Free Agent X as your top six for at least the next three years. Now you can charge Lakers prices instead of Clippers prices, and if that's not enough, you suddenly have the hottest team in sports.
substitute, CP3 for lebron, and that's basically exactly what Sterling did, save for the retarded name and uniform change; BUT only a new owner could have done this1!1!1!!!!!
Did that "ridiculous" $600 million offer pay off? I think it did. You suddenly own one of the three most lucrative teams in professional basketball and might even win a title or five.
Except Sterling, as terrible a human being as he may be, is a savvy businessman and figured out he could do this on his own, hence his refusal to sell the team; JEEBUS
30. Does anyone remember laughter?!?!?
To Robert Swift for finally ending up on the Celtics
And just now, David lee finally ended up there too; I guess Bill does have some self awareness about this
31. It's not what you put into it. It's what you leave out. Listen to Marvin Gaye, a song like "What's Happening, Brother," there's a single "woo!" at the end of the second verse … that's what you remember. It's the little things, the silly things, it's only one of them and it makes the song. It's what you leave out. That's rock 'n' roll. It's what you leave out.
To Nate Robinson, a $45 million guy 10 years ago … and now he's relatively worthless in an era when teams value chemistry and care about more than just points per game.
What? Is there any evidence to support that teams in the late 2000's cared more about chemistry than in the late 90's? FFS, this column was written like 4 weeks after a the lakers won the title, a team whose 5 best players [Kobe, odom, Gasol, Bynum, and Ariza] couldn't play at the same time, where there was reportedly major dysfunction and complaining about touches behind the scenes, and who added fucking Ron Artest in the off-season; And THIS was the Golden Age of Chemistry?
Wait, I almost forgot - because the Celtics were good at this point, the league was functioning properly, whereas in the DAHHK DAYS of the Pitino era, the SYSTEM WAS CAWMPRAMISED! Everybody forgets this!
Anthony "The Breakout" Randolph
Remember this phrase whenever he spooges over Giannis; The North Remembers;
As for the above quote, we can't gloss over Jason Lee's performance as lead singer Jeff Bebe, just the right mix of jealousy, overconfidence, sarcasm, stringy hair and mellowed-out, super-cool, '70s onstage enthusiasm, as this deleted concert scene proves. Not an easy role.
He had to pretend to be a different person on camera! Don't act like you're not impressed!
Lee pulled off three distinctly different characters over the years
And then had to shift gears and be an entirely different pretend person in a different movie! I don't know how he does it;
33. I never said I was a golden god … or did I?
It was Robert Plant who actually said that, I know because it was in the DVD Commentary; Name me five better DVD Commentaries - You can't
34. I have to go home.
You are home.
Dear Sports Guy,
I was totally hooking up with this chick who was studying here abroad, and I used this line to get her to stay here for like another 2 days! And then I may or may not have fucked her in my larry bird jersey while planning my fantasy DVD draft just like you always talked about! THIS REALLY HAPPENED! PLZ PUT ME IN UR MAI1BAG I MIGHT DIE A10nE!!!!
To David Lee and Lamar Odom, both of whom might get Orlando Hudson-ed this summer because everyone ran out of money by mid-July.
Well before the sky fell and half of the no benjamins association contracted, lee signed for $60M and odom for $30M;
Plus, Lee's downgrade in social life from Manhattan to The City That Can't Be Named would be mesmerizing to follow. He'd have to open a small nightclub and import 100 scantily clad women with no self-esteem just to feel at home.
But I thought we all agreed that only Miami and la have hot girls willing to put out before marriage, and that NYC is NAWT A DESTINATI0N ANYMAW-AH!!!!???
Ray Felton (a potential Billups-like late bloomer)
lolololololol; but he was pretty good before he fell off a cliff.
By the way, Frances McDormand's performance as William's mother should have won the Oscar for best supporting actress -- period, end of story, case closed.
(And the winner of the best supporting actress in 2000 was … Marcia Gay Harden for "Pollock." Swear to God. My third book might have to be "The Top 100 Greatest Oscar Travesties Ever." That has to rank in the top 10.)
Considering Simmons thought Arrested Development to be too high faluten and abstract for his tastes, I'm guessing there's zero chance he saw pollock, so ARGUMENT 0VER SPR0TZ GUY SEZ S0!!! I DIDN"T SEE THE M0VIE BUT I KN0W IT SUCKED!!! I KN0W BASKETBAWRRRR!!!
Kate Hudson, who nailed Penny Lane and was never even remotely as good in anything again, raising the question, "Was that just a great part and 20 actresses would have been good in it, or did she have one great performance in her and that's that?"
His obsession with "Nobody else could have played that role!" is bizzarre; these aren't fucking iconic Marlon Brando or Daniel Day lewis type parts; Who else could have played Johnny Utah? FACKIN' N0 0NE THAT's WH0!!!
37. I've made a decision, I'm gonna live in Morocco for one year. I need a new crowd. Do you wanna come?
Are you sure?
Ask me again.
Do you wanna come?
Along with the "Tiny Dancer" singing scene, these are the two scenes anyone will bring up if they're playing the "Almost Famous is too much of a sappy chick flick to be considered the best movie of the decade" card.
How about playing the "this movie was poorly written, had no original ideas, a terrible lead performance, and is mostly just Cameron Crowe bragging about how he toured with led Zeppelin as a kid and got to watch football on their giant television" card? Do you have a defense against that?
So here's how I will defend the above scene in three parts:
1. It's a moment.
oh snap, got you good you fucker! Bet you're kicking yourself now that you realize how much of a moment that was
2. In the director's commentary, Crowe reveals the second part isn't in the script.
This happens in pretty much every movie ever;
3. Imagine being Fugit in this movie. You're 16. You've never been in a movie before. You're probably head over heels in love with Hudson. (Crowe even jokes about this in the director's cut.) You're excited for every scene you get to do with her. You're doing this scene, and you screw up the line
Imagine being Bill Simmons; You're making a nonsensical contrarian pick for movie of the decade; You're case hinges on the lead actor having no experience, being bad at his job, unprofessional and screwing up a pivotal line;
not because you screwed up but because Hudson has reduced you to a horny pubescent puddle for this entire filming. So you salvage it and now it lives on forever in the movie. As far as I'm concerned, this is the defining "horny teenager trying to be cool around a smoking-hot girl in her 20s who's flirting with him just a little" moment ever captured in a movie. Put it this way: at age 16, with Hudson standing there in her hasn't-dated-100-Hollywood-celebs-yet prime, we ALL would have messed up that line.
Anyway, that's why I like that scene. It's the defining "16, super-horny and super-duper-awkward around women" movie moment.
Did you ever realize that teenage boys are awkward around girls? That's the joke; Now for my Woody Allen impression;
39. I once hit a man in Dearborn, Michigan. A hit and run. I hit him and kept going. I don't know if he's alive or dead, but I'm sorry. Not a day goes by when I don't see his face.
To Turkoglu, who's going to feel this way every time he thinks about the good people of Portland.
It's bad enough when people manufacture fake outrage over a player leaving in free agency - but to compare criminally negligent homicide to a player deciding not to sign with a different team in free agency? "The good people of Portland", this guy is so pathetic in his need to be loved, it makes me sick;
41. Ladies and gentlemen, the evening is over. We hope you all enjoyed yourselves and we'll see you all again in 1974. Good evening!
Or in the case of the Dallas Mavericks, 2004. Because that's the only way a crunch-time five of Nowitzki, Shawn Marion, Josh Howard, Jason Kidd and Jason Terry is competing for an NBA title --
Also known as 4/5ths of the starting lineup that won the 2011 title - you know I'm actually shocked at how wrong his predictions and analysis are here; Even for someone as stupid as Simmons, he is just shitting the bed left and right with his smug assertions
42. They don't just put someone with one little hit on the cover of Rolling Stone f---ing magazine!
To Marcin Gortat, who parlayed one "little hit" (a solid playoff performance) into a $33 million deal that, if you're a Dallas fan, you should be happy isn't clogging up your cap right now.
I don't know if I posted about this here at the time, but I was really sold on Gortat at this point; I get Simmon's objections, and maybe I'm just biased towards my weirdo slav big men, but here's where Simmons misses the obvious conclusion, episode 4514
I liked Gortat heading into the summer as a great value risk in the "four years, $17.6 million" range.
That's less than $5M per for a top-tier backup center, which is to be fair what Gortat had proven at this point, it wasn't clear that he would later become a legit starting 5 on a 2nd round team; But still, you shouldn't expect to get that kind of value for that salary
NAWT A CENT HIGH-AHH! I USE THE TRADE MACHINE!!!
Dallas offered him nearly double, which made sense because
they really needed a center and they're so hard to find that even very flawed players at the position command a premium on the market? which anybody remotely familiar with the NBA, let alone a fake trade guru, should realize?
this is the same team that inked Raef LaFrentz, Shawn Bradley, DeSagana Diop and Erick Dampier to more than $225 million in "Why the hell did we do that?" deals
because they needed a fucking center and - Jesus, how is this guy so dense;
Poor Gortat is being stalked by the ghosts of Jon Koncak, Jim McIlvaine, Jerome James, DeSagana Diop, Luc Longley, Todd MacCulloch and every other free-agent center who was overpaid in the $30-33 million range and immediately turned into a stiff.
Needless to say, Gortat ended up being much more productive than any of the guys listed here; It's almost like he picked a bunch of loaded examples to stack the deck towards his point
So Orlando makes the Finals with an unconventional lineup and a style that confounded just about everybody. The Magic flip three backups for Vince Carter, seemingly solving their hole at shooting guard that Kobe exploited so brutally. (I had them as the favorites in the East after that trade.) What possessed them to spend $50 million on Gortat and Brandon Bass over just bringing back Turkoglu and making another run at the title?
Because a - they lost the title and needed to change things up to try and win one and b - from genius NBA analyst Bill Simmons, earlier in the same column:
He peaked statistically two years ago. He's allegedly 30 but could be closer to 32 or 33 for all we know.
All right then; Go fuck yourself
But Sheed will be 35 years old and is coming off a brutal contract year. He coasted on his reputation these past two seasons
So good thing you knew this in advance and didn't pretend to be aggrieved when Sheed coasted through the regular season.
Considering the Celtics had trouble with everyone who went small against them last season, weren't they better off targeting a third swing guy who could make 3s and defend hot scorers
Well they had Tony Allen to guard wings off the bench and Mikki Moore/scalabrine off the bench to go up against Howard and Gasol/Bynum/odom, so....
Also, what makes anyone think Kendrick Perkins -- a young warrior who really came on last season, but an emotional guy for better or worse -- won't be affected with Rasheed breathing down his neck for playing time?
you're an idiot. A fucking idiot. A fucking cocksucking idiot.
The most confusing part of this NBA summer: most fans and media members failing to realize Sheed and Ron Artest earned their contracts on reputation alone
They were veteran guys, brought in to help two teams that had already won titles. Those are exactly the kind of situations where you bring in declining players in the hopes that they turn it on in the playoffs. Nobody in the world thought that 35 y.o. Sheed was the same guy from the Pistons 04 title. In summation, contrary to your blanket, arbitrary assertion, everybody realized these things you solopsistic fuck.
46. F--- it … I'm … I'm gay!!!
The craziest moment
Lol crazy, he's a guy but he likes sexing other guys in the butt...WACKYYYY
A "good" example: Kevin Love spilling the beans that Kevin McHale wasn't returning as Timberwolves coach. A watershed moment for sports journalism, in my opinion. We skipped the middleman and went right from the team to the fans for a breaking story.
Great development. Frees up sportswriters from doing journalism, so they can provide us with unique insight about 35 being old for a basketball player, and why Jason lee, recognized by everyone as a reasonably funny character actor, is really soooo much more then that.
Anyway, that's one of my favorite Hollywood tricks: marginalize everyone in the band but the lead singer and lead guitarist to keep the movie moving. A trick that doesn't work bad for basketball, either
But what about that 450 million page book you wrote about how teamwork and passing ward off evil spirits? Now you're telling us that it's all about keeping your stars happy at the expense of everyone else? I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO BELIEVE ANYMORE!
48. I am a golden god!!!!!
To Stephon Marbury. I think he screamed this during his career-ending live webcast last week.
How about I take something organically weird and funny and shoe horn it into a contrived joke? Who says no?
50. I forgive you.
I didn't apologize.
The final exchange with William's sister and mother goes to Larry Brown and Allen Iverson. Come on, fellas. One more time. The Answer needs a team; the Bobcats need a scoring guard. It's destiny. Come on. Do it for me.
Bill Simmons insisting that a nonsensical trade/signing be made just because it amuses him or makes a "good story", tied into an irrelevant pop culture reference...this is really the essence of his shittiness distilled like pure crack cocaine.
BONUS QUOTE: This is the circus. Everybody's trying not to go home. Nobody's saying goodbye. (Pause.) Quit looking at me like that.
To Iverson. The general consensus: His career as an effective player is over. How did we reach that conclusion? I have no idea. He averaged nearly 27 a game two seasons ago in Denver.
Granted, we have the benefit of hindsight, but this consensus was completely correct. I was about to give him the benefit of the doubt but then read the rest of the paragraph:
If we're writing off Iverson for the previous paragraph, why aren't we writing off Rasheed -- just as enigmatic, just as much of a volcano, just as much of a coach killer over the years -- when Sheed played worse than Iverson did last season?
No no no no no. Rasheed Wallace argued with refs and stuff. Iverson chased his girlfriend naked across campus with a shotgun and almost didn't play in college because he was in jail for assault. One is definitely more a "volcano" than the other.
Second of all, it was clear at this point that Iverson could only have extended his career by accepting a secondary role, and there was zero indication he was willing to do so. Sheed, of course, had never insisted on having the offense run through him, which was why a contender was willing to roll the dice on him in spite of his declining skills.
My second question: Since when was it a good idea to bet against Iverson? Name another NBA player who overcame more obstacles over the years. For ESPN's "30 For 30" documentary series that premieres this fall, one of the first films is called "The Trial of Allen Iverson" (directed by Steve James of "Hoop Dreams" fame). I have only seen a rough cut. It has a chance to become one of the most important sports documentaries ever. Why? Because you will never think of Iverson the same way again. You will like him. You will feel bad for him. You will connect with him. You will admire him in a way you never imagined. After witnessing what he endured legally and racially -- how unfair it was, how un-American it was -- and marveling at the dignity he showed as he put his life back together afterward, I promise, you will never bet against this guy.
First of all, the Iverson 30/30 definitely questioned that narrative every bit as much as it questioned the Iverson is a thug and America's worst nightmare narrative. The very tag line for the documentary was "the truth is complicated".
Second of all, no one ever questioned Iverson's determination and competitiveness, not even his biggest detractors. The question was, and rightly so, does 32 year old Iverson, a little guy who endured a ton of punishment, still have the physical capacity to play at a high level?
Then we get this gem:
A few weeks ago, Iverson gave a speech in Virginia to promote his scholarship program. It was one of the best three minutes of the sports year. You probably didn't hear about it because the sports media and the blogosphere is more interested in talking about Brett Favre, Michael Vick, civil suits, how ESPN is the devil and everything else. Occasionally, some relevant stuff slips through the cracks. Such as this clip, for instance. Please watch it, then tell me why everyone is so willing to count out one of the best 30 basketball players of all time.
Here we have another hit of pure simmonsism. Unprovoked defensiveness, insistence that a player is one of the x best players of all time, and the argument that a player is good at sports because of something he did that was completely unrelated to sports.
So, Russell … what do you love about music?
To begin with? (Smiles.) Everything.
One of the great endings of any movie
Right up there with planet of the apes and gone with the wind, don't you agree?
-- Russell turning his chair around, smiling and finally giving young William the interview he always wanted, followed by the sounds of Led Zeppelin's "Tangerine," one final "Everyone's happy again" montage and the last shot of Doris the Bus driving off into the sunset -- goes to the NBA's offseason. Say what you want about the NBA, but the league always keeps you on your toes. This is a good thing.
Oh man it all comes together! Way to tie a ribbon of treacly dogshit around your avalanche of rambling self aggrandizing idiocy. You are truly an artist worthy of Cameron Crowe.