"The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

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"The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Colonel Angus » 01 May 2015, 15:35

"Isn't it no, baas or something? That's how I read it in a boxing book. It's South African or something."
- _, on Roberto Duran.
_ - Sun Jan 31 5:06 pm:
"it was such a sexy goal, that punched me right in the balls. metaphorically"
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Briandong79 » 01 May 2015, 16:18

I did enjoy Harlabob's Scrabble analogy on the podcast.
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby JichaelDick » 01 May 2015, 16:22

Will we remember May 2, 2015 the way we do June 17, 1994 is the question...
TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Seahawks XL Champs » 01 May 2015, 17:17

the biggest game of CP3’s life, hands down


Why? Didn't he have a game 7 as a Hornet 7 years ago at home vs the Spurs, one round later? This game may be more important but Bill's use of "hands down" is silly.

Edit--dude doesn't read his own shit.
But I’ve been in the same room with cocaine only once in my life — during Game 7, 2004 ALCS, the bathroom of an undisclosed Boston bar, when I had gone in there to pee and inadvertently walked in on two guys snorting lines off the bathroom sink.


From his own column--http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=simmons/041021--here's the unnamed bar.

I ended up watching the game in the Financial District, thanks to my buddy Sully's connections at a bar called The Office. We were able to invite about 20 guys -- closed-off room upstairs, projection TV, pizza and wings, the whole shebang -- operating under house rules (only Sox fans) and old-school country club rules (no chicks). Sometimes, guys just need to be around other guys. This was one of those times. We were 27 outs away from toppling the Yankees. In the words of Clemenza, we were going to the mattresses.
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby theken » 02 May 2015, 08:16

This was some of Simba's most gag-inducing shit ever.
http://www.undrafted.ca
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I didn't tweah shit faggot. Shut up.
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Theny » 02 May 2015, 08:26

A whole column just to humblebrag.
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Dthefritz » 02 May 2015, 15:03

these contests balloon to nearly three hours and feel a little like those Yankees–Red Sox nail-biter marathons from 2003 and 2004 (without 86 years of baggage and eight decades of hammer-versus-nail story lines, but still)


The Yankees and Red Sox didn't meet in the playoffs for the first 81 of those 86 years. There was the Bucky Dent game, and the Yankees won a shitload of titles while the Red Sox won zero, but this is projecting backwards based on the late 90's-early 2000's rivalry.

potentially, the final basketball game ever for one of my favorite non-Celtics ever, The Great Tim Duncan (I think that’s officially his name now)


What a frontrunning chode. I know I've complained about this before, but everytime he talks about this series it's "Durr the clippers whine to the refs too much, how can anyone like them" followed by "Durr Tim Duncan's like a kid out there, how can you not root for him?"

it’s a Legacy Game in every respect.


I'm pretty sure the Spurs Legacy is intact even if they lose.

can the Clips remember what they learned in Game 6 (keep your heads down, just play, don’t let the refs bother you, keep your poise) and apply it to Game 7?


Sportswriters are the most annoying fucking people. The Clippers were the same team in Game 6 as they were in the rest of the series, but because they won, now they're blue-collar, lunch-pail, quasi-Eckstein-ish gritty scrappers who JUST DO THEIR JOB.

can Clippers fans affect the game without coming off like a bunch of whining maniacs who inadvertently work their boys into a whining froth (and vice versa?)


Actually, putting pressure on the refs by booing calls that go against them and cheering calls that go for them is the most important way a team's fans can affect a game.

in fact, you can use that for your high school yearbook quote if you’re under 18.

“One thing I’ve learned in life: There’s really never a good excuse to miss a Game 7.”
—Bill Simmons


Anybody who either quotes Bill Simmons or something this inane in their yearbook should have their diploma revoked and their face slammed into a locker repeatedly.

Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.

Watching Saturday’s fight doesn’t mean that you condone Floyd’s vile behavior. It’s apples and oranges. This isn’t a sport where you can just pick and choose your viewing based on some arbitrary (but well-intentioned) moral compass.


You can't just pick and choose what you like about this country, if you condemn Japanese interment camps then you condemn America along with it!

The Case Against Game 7: I mean, shit. It’s Game 7. Even Johnnie Cochran in his prime couldn’t make a good case against a Game 7.


TIMELY.

If you’re watching on TV? Perfect. Game 7 will bleed right into the fight. If you’re going to the game? Different story. Whatever time this game ends, I’ll be the guy weaving through the postgame crowd like Barry Sanders and driving home like Dom Toretto. Ride or die.


This is somehow a more insufferable and ludicrous analogy than his 9 year old daughter's soccer team playing EXACTLY like Barcelona.

We’re getting it five solid years too late; it’s like Bird and Magic finally meeting in the NBA Finals, only if it had happened in 1991 with a slightly past-his-prime Magic taking on a broken-down Bird and his 30-pound back brace.


Of course America's most popular sports columnist couldn't think of an instance where two past their prime superstars actually did compete.

I mean, Manny IS the Philippines. When he gets knocked out, that whole country gets knocked out.


The article linked in that section is actually far more nuanced about Manny's legacy. It turns out that some other countries aren't nations of jock-sniffing, stunted man-children who think that athletes are a race of demigods who can do no wrong.

I don’t see how having your brain get demolished to the point that it says “I’m shutting down for two solid minutes to regroup” is ever a good thing.


Way to show those people who think brain damage is good for you. It's time someone took them down a peg.

And by the way? I didn’t have a choice. My daughter turns 10 tomorrow.


You care about my children! Admit it!

Q: You’ve repeatedly referred to Kawhi Leonard as either a shark or having octopus arms. Can we just call him Sharktopus and be done with it? He could definitely star in a bad SyFY movie where he scours the world’s basketball courts praying on unsuspecting dribblers.
—Jackson D., Trumbull, CT


I remember reading an issue of SI for kids, where they had cartoon versions of NBA stars as famous horror movie villains. Patrick Ewing was Frankenstein with the caption "He's so good it's scary!" I think it's possible that Simmons may have missed his calling.

Q: During G-State/New Orleans, my son said to me, “You know who Curry is? Gretzky.” And we realized that Warriors/Oilers parallels worked all the way down the roster. Draymond Green? Mark Messier. Klay Thompson? Jari Kurri. Andrew Bogut? Grant Fuhr. You can even make a case for Andre Iguodala and Craig MacTavish. I just can’t think of anyone Curry reminds me of more than the Great One. Skinny. Not a great athlete. And a genius.
—Eric S., Provo


So many things wrong with this e-mail. To say that Curry isn't a great athlete is just laughable.

BS: Now you have me thinking. (And … I’m done.) Can’t we just go with Maravich crossed with Nash?


I still think Iverson is a better comp than either guy (27/6 career versus 21/7 for Curry, whereas Nash was 15/8). Curry is less of a gunner, and a better shooter, but he's still looking to score and does so by shaking guys on the perimeter just like Iverson.

Do we have to bring the best hockey forward ever into this?


"Forward." Stop making me hate Bobby Orr, I never even saw him play.

By the time Gretzky turned 27 (Curry’s age now), he’d already won three Cups and eight straight Hart Trophies (EIGHT!!!) and broken every conceivable NHL scoring record. Gretzky was so good that, when someone nicknamed him “The Great One,” it actually stuck as his nickname.


Say what you want about Simmons, but when he's arguing that the Wayne Gretzky is better at his sport than a guy who never finished in the top 5 in MVP voting until his 6th season, he really fires on all cylinders.

Q: Perfect nickname for Steph Curry: Stephen F. Curry, or simply S.F.C. Inspiration came from Stephen F. Austin (SFA), although the ‘F’ in the two stand for very different things. I know nicknames are supposed to be shorter, but it’s STEPHEN FUCKING CURRY!!!!!!!!

—Casey Anderson, Marshall, MN

I would love to see a Venn diagram of "people who read Simmons" and "people who think the word fuck is unknown to people above the age of 25". Wilbon and Kornheiser ran the Donovan F Mcnabb joke into the ground in like 2004.

Q: Couldn’t you just call it: Pulling a Simmons for Simmons? I mean, I pretty sure the 76ers won more games than you wrote columns during the 14/15 season…
—Blair S., S.F.

BS: Words hurt. The truth hurts even more.


False humility, thy name is Simmons. The problem is not that you write so infrequently, it's that you write utter dogshit that you obviously don't bother to think through or edit.

It’s true: Lenny Bias blew three to four Celtics titles, but he also ruined any chance of me ever trying cocaine.


As good as Bias was in college, there's no way to say for sure how good he would have been in the NBA. In fact, a Celtics fan once concluded that he would have been a borderline at all-star at best, based on his numbers. Obviously, the Celtics would have been a scary team with the addition of that caliber player, but this is the same guy who hammers the point repeatedly (and correctly), that you can't assume talented young teams will automatically translate into titles, because of so many things that can go wrong. I think that applies to the hypothetical case of Bias.

Would I rather have those three to four titles and maybe four to five extra Bird-McHale years (since Bias would have extended their careers)


Nice try, but Bird went on your podcast and shot your long-held theory to shit by flat-out stating he would have retired earlier if Bias had been able to carry the team, because it was such a struggle for him to play with his back problems.

even if it meant there would have been a good chance I’d have at least tried cocaine in college (and then who knows?)


I know exactly what would have happened: a scandal. The local paper would have broken the shocking story that a college kid did some blow, the story would go nationa, and Worcester Mass would have been the butt of Jay Leno jokes for years to come.

Q: Have you noticed that every time CP gets called for a personal, he looks like a toddler who just lost his favorite toy? It’s unbelievable.
—Tyler, Fremont, Nebraska


But Bill's favorite non-Celtic of all time reacts to fouls with humility, grace and dignity.
Image

Q: In your podcast, Haralabob’s Scrabble analogy with the Clippers was amazing. CP3 is a Q (starts it off), Blake is a Z (excellent finisher) and they just can’t seem to figure out how to find a U and an I (DeAndre certainly isn’t either). We’re all waiting for them to keep dropping a triple word “Quiz” in a big game and it it’s not happening.


Game 6, down 3-2 on the road against the defending champions: Blake 26-12-6, CP3 19-5-4-4.
Game 4, down 2-1 on the road - Blake 20-19-7 Cp3 34-7.

But I guess those aren't big games, according to Sam in LA and his favorite podcaster.

Billy King: “I have all 1-point letters, all the big-score letters are gone, all the blanks are gone, I’m down 100 points, and I gave away my next three turns to the Celtics … but we can do this!!!!!”

Phil Jackson: “Wait … how many tiles do you get each turn again? And how do the points work? Hold on, where am I?”

Vlade Divac: “Vivek, what word do you want me to spell?”

Sam Presti: “Everything is fine! Everything is fine! I don’t even want to know how many tiles are left, and I don’t want to think about the triple-word score that I missed 10 turns ago because I got too cute and tried to set up a use-all-my-tiles 50-pointer and inadvertently screwed it up. I’ve gotten the Q, the Z, 4 S tiles and both blanks and I still might lose! It’s OK! I can rally! Everything is fine!”


There has never been a good joke that Simmons couldn't ruin.

Q: Like ‘Playoff Rondo’ (RIP), can we make ‘Playoff Wittman’ a thing?
—Roberto, San Juan, PR

BS: Of course! Playoff Wittman: the guy who belatedly embraced things like “3s over long 2s,” “Otto Porter’s young legs” and “Paul Pierce as a stretch 4 opening up the paint for Wall and Beal.” As my buddy House (a D.C. diehard) says, Regular-Season Wittman plays checkers and Playoff Wittman plays chess. Was Playoff Wittman playing possum for the past six months? Was he hibernating? Did the Internet break him down and coach him up?


"The Internet" clearly caused him to realize that it wasn't a good idea to wear Pierce down in the season by having him guard 4's and bang in the post, and saved that for the playoffs. And by "the internet", Bill means himself.

Q: You always talk about Rondo being a 90-10 guy,


As a way to disingenuosly muddy the waters so you could pretend he was as good as Russell Westbrook.

is he now a 10-90 guy?
—Elie, Los Angeles


I see your arbitrary percentages, and raise you some more arbitrary percentages. Simmons has been Simmons'd by his own readers.

BS: It’s not that bad. He’s a 50/50 guy now — you love 50 percent of the stuff he does and you hate the other 50 percent. How ’bout the Mavs stiffing Rondo on his 2015 playoff share?


That's pretty great. You can dribble the ball all you want in Hawaii, asshole.

Q: I believe that Tim Duncan can go on playing at this level for a few more years. But instead of retiring, why not follow the trail that The Undertaker is currently blazing? What if he stayed in shape, but only played a few regular season games per year to stay sharp, then saved himself for 20-25 playoff games (i.e. WrestleMania). Couldn’t he extend his career by another five years by doing this? This is a win/win situation for all!
—Chris F, Port Colborne, ON, Canada


Most of the rest of the mailbag is pretty much unfunny Tim Duncan/Undertaker jokes. I have excised those from further breakdown.

Q: Does no one care that Lamarcus Aldridge shot 33% against Memphis in Round One?


Not Bill Simmons! He'll still insist Aldridge is still a top 10 player so people in Portland will like him,
and then condemn CP3 for his lack of playoff success, even though Aldridge's teams are 1-5 in the first round.

I can only tell you that the Aldridge in that Memphis series didn’t totally look like the Aldridge we’ve been watching these past two seasons. And it had to go a little deeper than “Z-Bo knows all his moves.”


A good player had a bad playoff series. There is a "deeper" meaning to all this, I assure you, then the team he was playing against did a good job of defending him. What that deeper meaning is? I guess I shouldn't fault Simmons for providing no explanation rather than a shitty one.

Q: Is Dame Lillard now the favorite for the 2015/16 ‘Shamed By the Internet to Become a Decent Defender Award’? (current holder: Harden)
—Alfie, London


Definitely the internet. Not the fact that his coaches and teammates got on his case about it, or the other non-internet media. What a self-important cock. He's like that guy from Veep who got fired and started a blog where he ranted about the irrelevance of the Washington Toast and the Poo York Times.

That said, Damian Lillard blew Portland's biggest game of the season by letting Tony Fucking Allen, the worst offensive player in the series, get two wide-open layups on two crucial plays in the last minute. That's just horrible. I would hope he takes defense more seriously next year.

Q: Did the Celtics just lose whatever (admittedly small) chance they had of signing Kevin Love this summer when Olynyk dislocated Love’s shoulder?
—Josh, Boston


Yes.

BS: Are you kidding? If Love holds any real bitterness, we’ll waive Father Kelly tomorrow! We’ll strip his clothes, force him to walk from Charlestown to the South End wearing an “I’m sorry, Kevin” sign.


That will definitely make him forget that every Boston fan was cheering wildly as he was leaving the court injured.

Q: After Wade blatantly destroyed Rondo’s elbow in the 2011 playoffs and the Miami Lebrons ended Boston’s season, isn’t it fitting that Father Kelly may have finished off the Cleveland LeBrons four years later? It might be my Celtics bias, but I believe Father Kelly received a vision from the basketball gods.
—Daniel, Champaign, IL


BS: I’m starting to feel bad. Can I cheer the Cleveland fans up for a second? Your team turned Love into a glorified role player.


It's your fault for utilizing the third best player on the team as the #3 option. Stop blaming the guy who separated his shoulder on a dirty play and take account of your sins!

It’s LeBron’s team and Kyrie’s team — everyone else either spreads the floor, plays defense, crashes the boards or shoots open 3s.


So no big deal you lost your best offensive rebounder and your best three point shooter outside of Kyrie.

Losing Love means less lineup flexibility, less margin for error, more predictability and more of LeBron at the 4 (playing power guard). It also means more Mike Miller, James Jones and Shawn Marion; along with Kendrick Perkins, they could star in a Costacos Brothers poster called “The Cleveland Cadaverliers.”


You're not really doing a good job of cheering up the Cleveland fans, you know.

But I still like their crunch-time five — LeBron, Kyrie, Shumpert, J.R. Smith and either Thompson or Mozgov (depending on matchups).


Oh YOU still like their crunch-time five. I'm sure they'll sleep easier knowing they have enough to beat the Warriors, armed with Bill the Magnificent's seal of approval and what not.

Why even play the rest of the playoffs, just have a committee composed entirely of Bill assign the championship based on who he likes the most. WHO SAYS NO???
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby JT99 » 02 May 2015, 19:07

Billy wrote:
Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.


One could argue that the goal in boxing is to "protest yourself at all times" which means that a boxer's defense is AT LEAST as important as his offense (the repeatedly punching part)
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby Briandong79 » 03 May 2015, 13:43

I wonder if, had he gone to the fight, Simmons could have been in Pacquiauo's entourage.
PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby babylurch » 03 May 2015, 15:09

JT99 wrote:
Billy wrote:
Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.


One could argue that the goal in boxing is to "protest yourself at all times" which means that a boxer's defense is AT LEAST as important as his offense (the repeatedly punching part)

The name of the game is be hit and hit back.
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby The Long Dick of the Law » 03 May 2015, 15:20

JT99 wrote:
Billy wrote:
Remember, the goal of boxing is to repeatedly punch your opponent, either to accumulate points or to knock him unconscious; it’s one of the most primitive sports we have, and if you’re thinking about attaching humanity and morality to it, you’re fooling yourself.


One could argue that the goal in boxing is to "protest yourself at all times" which means that a boxer's defense is AT LEAST as important as his offense (the repeatedly punching part)

So people don't have a point when they say of Mayweather that he "doth protest too much"? :corn: :corn: :corn: :corn:
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Re: "The Saturday Decision" mini-mailbag (5/1/15)

Postby JichaelDick » 04 May 2015, 14:38

Shame Simmons didn't get to go to Vegas. He would have fit in well in the MTM entourage.
TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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