Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

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Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Gregs Kite » 24 Apr 2015, 12:44 ... continues/

DTF, you know what to do. #kingofallbreakdowns
Apr 22, 2015 3:49 pm Clayton Bigsby i enjoy sports

Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

Frank the Tank wrote:If I die I leave my red font to Kite.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Seahawks XL Champs » 24 Apr 2015, 16:57

Didn't feel like copy/paste but if anyone makes it to the end, I call complete BS on the Robin Lopez story. No pictures? The hell??????
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Theny » 24 Apr 2015, 17:19

Seahawks XL Champs wrote:Didn't feel like copy/paste but if anyone makes it to the end, I call complete BS on the Robin Lopez story. No pictures? The hell??????

I believe it. He is a crazy person.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Dthefritz » 25 Apr 2015, 17:19

The Game of Thrones Award for Most Enjoyable Viewing Experience

Game 1 of Clips-Spurs featured two all-time Blake dunks; the best-ever CP3-and-Blake-peaking-in-the-same-game performance; Aron Baynes being defiled in so many different ways that everyone in Staples Center kept waiting for the Gimp from Pulp Fiction to climb out of a trunk;

EDGY. This is not your father’s sportswriting, people.

an uncharacteristically tremendous crowd (about 99 percent pro-Clips, which is atypical);

Incredible. Despite the fact that they are not from Boston, they know how to show up to a game and cheer for their teams.

and everyone realizing at the same time, “Holy shit, the Clips might be able to make the Finals with seven guys!

Because EVERYONE had previously been discounting the Clippers’ chances on the grounds that the Los Angeles Bitchers lololol111 film too many commercials and that Doc Rivers once called them an idiot on national television and looked like they were about to cry. If they had previously thought the Clippers couldn’t make the finals because of their lack of depth, they wouldn’t have changed their opinion based on one game.

The Joe House/Other Shoe Theory Award for Worst But Most Inevitable Playoff Loss

I’m hoping that Billy named this award and Mr. House has the good sense not to canonize the notion that young, unproven teams often fall apart in the playoffs as some Theory That No One Has Ever Thought of Before and Warrants Capital Letters.

In Game 3 against Golden State, the Pelicans blew a 55-point fourth-quarter lead in less than four minutes (all numbers approximate) in such an unsurprising meltdown that (a) I had to catch a 6:11 a.m. Acela train this morning from Boston to New York, (b) I was lying in my hotel bed at midnight thinking to myself, I could go to sleep right now and I’d get five solid hours, and (c) I stayed awake only because the Warriors AND Monty Williams were involved.

Fascinating. But what kind of craft beers did you drink that night? Did the hotel not serve coffee early enough for your liking? How many things did you think you think about Monty Williams?

Any member of the 400-Hour Club (those who have watched more than 400 hours of League Pass this season) learned by December never to give up on a seemingly insurmountable Pelicans lead or Warriors deficit. This was the perfect storm.

Or, anybody who’s even casually followed basketball this season, or has seen young teams struggle in the playoffs which happens every year. But really proud of you that you watched a lot of basketball when it’s your job to watch basketball. I don’t know how you managed to do it.

The Warriors are playing Draymond Green at center and moving into Totally Frantic mode? Steph is hoisting 3s from the parking lot? Monty looks confused? Giddyup!

Yeah, it was all Monty’s fault. If Bill were coaching an 8-seed against a historically great team, he would not only pull super-awesome Belichickian in-game adjustments to confuse a superior team into losing, but he would retain an icy, enigmatic smile the entire time.

Additional note for the history nerds out there: For the 2015 Warriors to go down as an all-time team,

They need to have a historically great regular season, which they already did, and validate it with a title. OK, end of paragraph, right?

they need to win the title AND finish 16-4 in the playoffs AND sweep at least two series


AND submit a few memorable lay-the-smack-down games along the way

Laughable. What team has won a title without having a few lopsided and convincing wins en route there? Many teams who will not go down in the all-time pantheon have done this.

AND create three or four iconic moments (like Curry’s game-saving Shoulda-Been-A-Four-Pointer). Game 3 was everything I wanted from them. Great teams come through on the road when they don’t have it. We’ll remember that one.

We’ll always remember a Game 3 in a 1-8 first round series that will probably end up a sweep. Everybody will not forget this!

The Josh Smith Award for Biggest Cancer in Round 1

Except that he redeemed himself by being a good role player on a 2 seed.

Obviously this goes to the polarizing former All-Star from the Mavs-Rockets series who graduated from Oak Hill and changed teams during the season … so, congratulations to Jo— wait, it’s not Josh Smith?

Way to telegraph the joke asshole. Besides, anybody who follows the NBA enough to know where either guy went to high school will know they both went to Oak Hill. And anybody who doesn’t will not possibly give a shit.

The G-Baby Award for Most Depressing Sports Funeral

But you didn’t rank Hardball on your definitive list of the 96.2415 greatest sports movies of all time? Are you sure you want to go with that reference?

The violent, grisly, emotionally scarring and unexpectedly abrupt death of Playoff Rondo

Abrupt…he hasn’t been in the playoffs in 3 years, asshole. BUT THE 2012 PLAYOFFS FEEL LIKE YESTERDAY! And what everyone remembers from those playoffs, including non-Celtics fan, is that Playoff Rondo was NOBLE AND HEROIC in defeat. The fact that the best player in the world had one of the best playoff performances of all time on the road in Game 6, followed by a series of clutch shots in Game 7 to win the series...practically an afterthought.

ranks right up there with the end of Furious 7 for me. I loved Playoff Rondo almost as much as I loved National TV Rondo. Those two guys

are artificial constructs to represent different characteristics of the same person, a very fresh literary device that I totally don’t overuse.

represented everything I love and hate about sports all wrapped into the same perplexing package —

Who says that Simmons makes absurdly sweeping statements? Kind of an unfair criticism if you ask me.

the audacity of someone telling us during most regular-season games, Even though you paid to see me, and even though I make eight figures a year, you’re not getting my best tonight,

Yeah, Bill Simmons wants to know what kind of asshole gets paid millions of dollars a year to entertain sports fans and then half-ass his job. The hypocrisy could strangle the Loch Ness monster.

coupled with the brilliance of someone who could say, There are real stakes tonight, so you’re getting my A-game, and by the way, I’m gonna be awesome.

Really, has there ever been a player in the history of sports who tried harder in the playoffs? What a fucking idiot.

I would love to know how my wife handled it if we were to go out for dinner once a week for four weeks, and every time, I wouldn’t say that much and would act weird but make just enough jokes to make the dinner passable … only every time we went out with another couple, I’d be hilarious and gregarious and charismatic and keep telling everyone, “You’re with Double-Date Simmons tonight!!!!!”

That would be exactly like Rondo on the Celtics. This hypothetical is somehow even more useless than a shoehorned reference to a mediocre movie from three decades ago.

The Comedy Central Not Locking Up John Oliver Award for Biggest Mistake

I wonder if he’s ever compared The Pistons cutting Josh Smith to Jimmy Kimmel firing Bill Simmons.

Dallas gambled (AND ruined their bench AND wasted a first-round pick) by flagrantly violating the “You can get away with one head case, just don’t give him someone to hang out with” rule by teaming up Monta Ellis and Rondo.

Oooh, a chance to invoke a totally bullshit rule I made up! Better abandon the obvious and logical answer that Rondo and Ellis both need the ball to be effective so I can crown myself the King of flimsy sportswriter horseshit about chemistry and character. Also, notice how he cutely implies that Ellis is equally to blame in this situation, when he was a lifelong gunner who adjusted his game to the team’s offensive system pretty quickly, while Rondo came over and said “Fuck that, I was the fifth best player on a championship team, no one’s going to tell me what to do.”

And even worse, they never considered things like, “Should we be worried that Rick Carlisle is a control freak who wants constant ball movement and Rondo loves to dominate the ball and control everything?” and “Should we be worried that Rondo can’t get to the line, can’t make free throws and can’t shoot 3s even though we’re in the pace-and-space/3s-and-free-throws era?”

What about sportswriters who crowned Rondo a Top 5 player? Shouldn’t THEY have been worried that he can’t make free throws or jumpers?

What a quietly devastating trade for them.

QUIETLY. No one else in the national media is talking about how the trade didn’t work out. No one remarked during the regular season that the trade didn’t seem to be working out, but they would wait and see if Rondo could turn it on the playoffs before casting judgment. Fortunately, Bill was here to cast his mighty, all-knowing gaze upon it.

Now they’re getting swept and have a future built around a winding-it-down Dirk, Chandler Parsons, cap space, Carlisle and Cubes. Yikes.

Clearly, a team built around 36 year old Dirk and 29 year old Monta Ellis was poised to dominate the NBA for years to come before that trade. Look, Dallas is an aging team that was getting left behind in the West, and they didn’t want to blow it up because Dirk left a shitload of money on the table so they could put pieces around him. They made a risky trade, it didn’t work out, so you can kill them all you want, but don’t pretend like they mortgaged a rosy future to make it happen.

And even worse, this whole thing led to Sad Dirk! I hate Sad Dirk!

If the trade hadn’t happened, Dirk would probably still be losing in round 1, getting eviscerated on defense, and in all likelihood, looking just as sad.

The Roger Goodell Award for Biggest Hypocrite

Me. For everything in the previous paragraph. See, I absolutely LOVED the Rondo trade for Dallas and thought he was a semi-shell of himself in Boston only because he was playing possum. I haven’t misfired like that since … oh, wait, I’m wrong all the time.

That doesn’t make you a hypocrite, that just makes you a bad basketball analyst. Although to be fair, many smart people liked the trade as well. For my part, I thought it was a worthwhile gamble for Dallas, and probably would have done the same in their shoes, but given how I feel about Rondo, I’m not exactly shocked how things went down.

On the bright side, we finally got to watch an NBA star carry himself in playoff games with the exact same enthusiasm as a divorced dad ringing the doorbell of his ex-wife’s house.1 And even better, I just won a Roger Goodell Award!

Aww guys, at least I’m not like that asshole who’s in no way comparable to me, right? Give me validation, please.

The Scott Mitchell Award for Biggest Loser

Rondo lost between $30 million and $40 million this summer with that Mavericks fiasco. On the bright side, drunk Lakers fans and drunk Knicks fans everywhere are texting their friends, “Dp you think we csn get Ronddo at a bigf disconyt?”

No, even the most mouthbreathing, poorly educated fans of those teams are saying “he looked horrible in the series, I don’t want my team to have anything to do with him.”

The “Dave? I Woulda Taken a Bullet for You” Award for Most Heartwarming Moment

Randy Wittman winning two straight in Toronto while battling the usual stuff that comes with coaching a team that just spent the season underachieving, sucking the life out of its fans and taking the Clogged Toilet offense to new heights. Two days after Wittman submitted one of the funniest Vines ever (saving it for later) and just hours after Grantland’s Andrew Sharp explained the seven ways that Wizards fans should cope with the never-ending Wittman era, the Ex-Bullets owned Game 2 and played their finest two hours under Wittman. Now you have D.C. fans like my buddy House saying, “We could absolutely beat the Hawks in Round 2 even if we get outcoached, as long as we don’t get TOTALLY outcoached.” [/quote]

I usually think Simmons is overcritical and a posturing douche when it comes to criticizing coaches, but Wittman is terrible. I can’t really fault him for this.

The Last Man on Earth Award for Best New Series That Can’t Be Missed for Any Reason

Spurs-Clips is wildly overqualified for Round 1, which is the biggest reason it’s so damned fun — the NBA equivalent of throwing Matthew McConaughey and Woody Harrelson into eight True Detective episodes.

But what was more fun – True Detective, or columns about True Detective that determined which star actor was Hakeem Olajuwon and which was David Robinson? Grantland Quarterly, available at fine bookstores everywhere.

Game 1? Unbelievable. Game 2? That one had the intensity, weightiness, electricity and sophistication of an actual Finals game; got derailed by Hack-A-DeAndre and some uncharacteristically horrific Pop/Doc coaching; featured multiple bricks and multiple turnovers and multiple stars coming up short … and yet I absolutely loved being there for it. Sometimes you’re watching a game and you just know that it might become a horrendous, kicking-yourself-for-years defeat for EITHER team.

So sports are fun to watch because you don’t know the outcome, and when the stakes are higher, a loss in a close game is both unexpected and devastating. I never thought of it that way.

(Quick aside: I’ve been sharing Clips tickets with my friend Tollin since 2008, when I was about to give them up and he said, “Wait, you can’t give them up. What if they become good?”

But don’t let that stop you from sanctimoniously excoriating fans for continuing to buy tickets when teams are poorly managed.

And then we both laughed for about 20 seconds before I said, “Screw it, one more year.” Anyway, we were walking out after Game 2 and Tollin said, “Spurs-Clippers … it’s just never gonna change with these guys, is it?” In other words, the Spurs continue to be the hammer and the Clippers continue to be the nail.)

Man, not only is that a classic text by Tollin, it’s even more poignant in light of their momentous season tickets decision. And good annotation by Bill – only NBA nerds like him who have watched 400 hours of league pass this season know that the Spurs are a dynasty while the Clippers have historically been a hard-luck franchise.

The Johnny Depp/Tonto Award for Most Glaring Moment That Doubled As a Snapshot for Someone’s Unfortunate Career Decline

Deron Williams’s wide-open 16-footer that would have tied Game 2 in Atlanta (and didn’t). I never thought that thing was going in.

Man, I wish I had compared that to the Lone Ranger at the time. The bar would have erupted into hysterics.

“CP3 or Deron?” is starting to feel more dated than “Jay Z or Nas?”

To his credit, Simmons rightly said that CP3 was the better player at the time. It does seem crazy that it was once a debate, no snark here.

The Deflategate Award for Dumbest Controversy

Stop being so jelly of the Patriots, already. GOSH.

So Nic Batum has hated Spain for years because of the well-documented Spain-France international basketball rivalry, he jokingly posted a “WE DON’T LOSE TO SPANISH PLAYERS” sign in their locker room … and that became a Shame Police story for two days? I don’t know one person — seriously, not one — who would be offended by that sign.

I agree with his overall point here, but I love the implication that his friends like Cousin Sal or House could possibly give him much of a perspective on racism or marginalized communities.

Do I just have the wrong people in my life? Are my friends and family doing a terrible job of protecting society? Should I start taking an outrage booster? Do they sell outrage boosters? Is there a class that can teach me how to make morally superior, out-of-context shame police tweets?

Editor-in-chief of Grantland over here decided he needed five rhetorical questions in this paragraph to make the same point.

The Charlize Theron in Seth MacFarlane’s Wild West Movie Award for Best Unexpected Reminder That Someone Is Still an All-Time Treasure2

I made a New York City work trip much harder by squeezing a 7 a.m. Thursday flight to Boston into the mix just to watch my underdog Celtics (hopefully) topple LeBron and the Cavs. Didn’t happen. Turns out that it’s a problem when the other team has the three best players in a playoff series, including one of the eight best players of all time.

You know, I wouldn’t give him too much shit about this, except he really went full Tommy from Quinzee without any subtle acknowledgement that he understood how overmatched his team was. WE AHH THE FACKIN 17-TIME CHAMPION CELTICS, WE DO NAWT GET SWEPT. THE GHOST OF RED AWWWAAAHBAAAAK WON’T ALLOW IT!

But you know what? How many of these LeBronian playoff eviscerations are left? You know, the ones when he shows up in someone else’s house and breaks windows and plates and tables for two hours as 15,000 to 20,000 exuberant people slowly lose the will to live?

Breaking houseware is exactly what I think of when I see LeBron play. I’m glad a sportswriter finally put that image in my head into words. It’s like he knows me better than I know myself!

Maybe … 15? Does he have 20? I mean, he’s closing in on 44,000 minutes by the end of this postseason. You never know.

Well you know what I did know? That you were an idiot for dancing on LeBron’s grave after he played hurt for the first half of the season and was still top 5 in points and assists for the entire league. I was pretty confident of that one.

the ultimate power guard, the ultimate mismatch, the ultimate athlete, the ultimate thinker, and of course, the ultimate crybaby who somehow hasn’t committed a foul since he returned to the Cavs (sorry, I had to)

Please once during these playoffs call out Tim Duncan for this same shit you call out LeBron/Cp3 for. This might be your last chance!

— was worth the cross-country flight and the two early alarm blares. Now that they’ve figured out the right people to throw around him (as well as the right style), and now that he’s in the right shape, he’s still the most dangerous basketball player alive. LeBron was, I don’t know, maybe EIGHT PERCENT better two years ago during his Miami apex?

If you don’t know, then why specify an exact numerical quantity? 8% and 8% exactly. I bet he read that number in a book by Malcolm Gladwell.

Just an amazing experience to watch that dude do his thing as my Boston brethren booed him and yelled insults at him. I loved it. I’m glad I went back.

He was just about get through this whole section without somehow praising the legendary gahhden crowd.

The Theo Ratliff’s Expiring Contract Award for Best Addition to My Summer Trade Machine Routine

Self-awareness resulting in an epiphany that nobody gives two shits about your stupid fake trades, and your own marveling at your own stupid fake trades? (“I really like this one. A lot of fun wrinkles”)

Hey, everybody, it’s the reeling Raptors! Would Indy trade George Hill and the no. 11 pick for DeMar DeRozan?

After the way DeRozan has played in this series, I sure hope the supergeniusiest gm/coach/player of all time would know better. You know what? Several more horrible and pointless thought exercises deleted. Your welcome.

What kind of Godfather offer for Andrew Wiggins would Flip Saunders have the pleasure of rejecting?

He’s actually speculating about fake trades that he even knows would never happen…the fucking playoffs are on you dolt. You haven’t even mentioned half the series currently going on.

The Dragon Babies Award for Best Running Subplot

Derrick Rose suddenly looking kinda maybe sorta like Derrick Rose again. (Note: I’m obeying all jinxing rules.) Even if they don’t make it past Round 2, he’s reclaimed enough of his trade value that, at the very least, Knicks fans are now petrified that Phil Jackson might flip their top-three pick for Rose in two months.

I’m actually not in the least bit worried about that, but thanks for your concern. Phil Jackson might be old as shit and have no idea how to run a team, but he knows that you don’t fucking trade a pick that high for someone with Rose’s injury history.

Good time to morph into a mini-mailbag. As always, these are actual questions from actual readers.

As always, I certainly hope they aren’t.

Q: Derrick Rose carrying the Bulls to the 2015 championship would be the best playoff story in NBA history, right?

—Dominic G., Champaign, IL

The old “thing that happened most recently is the craziest thing that ever happened” chestnut. Wouldn’t be a Simmons mailbag without it. Now cue the arbitrary list!

BS: So much for obeying all jinxing rules. Here’s your current top five:

1. MJ, Utah, 1998.…

2. A running-on-fumes Celtics dynasty winning its last title …

3. The 2014 Spurs redeem the worst Finals loss ever while simultaneously murdering the LeBron era in Miami.

Yeah, they made Wade and Bosh old and injured with their murdering ways. All their doing.

4. Magic, 1980, Game 6.

5. Willis, Game 7, 1970.

I mean, not a bad list, but I’m sure there are a lot of other candidates. I think the Pistons redeeming their backbreaking finals loss to the Lakers in ’89 was just as good a candidate as the Spurs last year, but of course Bill rooted against those Pistons so no dice.

Here’s what I love about Rose’s story (if it plays out in the best possible way): It’s like a sports movie, right?

That’s what makes sports great, their occasional resemblance to movies about sports.

Local kid wins MVP, signs two huge contracts with the Bulls and Adidas, blows out his knee, comes back, keeps getting hurt, never gives up … and suddenly he’s holding a Finals MVP, crying on the podium and hugging his mom (played by Octavia Spencer) and his brother (played by Anthony Anderson). “Based on a true story: Michael B. Jordan plays Derrick Rose in The Rebound.”

Those are all actors who are black! I would really love to hang out people who would interrupt watching the NBA playoffs to speculate about what actors would star in a hypothetical movie based on the events of what’s unfolding in front of our eyes that we are trying to enjoy like normal people.

That’s definitely a top-four all-time NBA playoff story if it happens. You could also talk me into Matt Damon gaining 25 pounds to play an embattled but dedicated NBA coach who keeps getting railroaded and undercut by his front office, then shoves it in their faces by winning a title in the heartwarming Disney movie Thibs.

Jesus Christ dude, who fucking cares who would play Thibodeau in a movie?

Q: On various podcasts, you’ve mentioned how home court advantage may no longer exist due to various reasons (StubHub, increasing cost, HDTV is so good). Flash forward to Wednesday night — had the Clips not given away Game 2, home teams would have been 14-2 in the first round. Have fun with that, road teams! Enjoy that SIMMONS STINK! SIMMONS!

—Ross, Santa Barbara, CA

BS: My defense, only because I hate being wrong: Couldn’t you say that more people than ever are selling their regular-season tickets, then holding on to their playoff seats? Let’s see how Games 3 and 4 play out.

That would have been a good defense if you had mentioned this portion of the theory before the playoffs started and didn’t amend it after the fact to try to cover your ass, like always.

Q: What would you say the LVP rankings of the playoffs are so far? Rondo is obviously first, then I would say D-Will at two.

—Brad, Huntington, WV

BS: Yeah, that’s your Bird and Magic of the 2015 LVP so far. It’s a two-man race. Honorable mention: Dame Lillard (even earned a rare TV upbraid from Barkley),

It’s about time someone called out that douche. Good player, but overrated. Slightly better Sam Cassell.

Kyle Lowry (is he hurt???),

Pretty good bet that he is, no need to be cute about it.

Masai Ujiri (for freezing at the trade deadline),

Instead of doing what? Adding Jeff Green to put them over the top?

Kelly Olynyk (could someone tell him the playoffs started?)

Anybody who was expecting big things from Olynyk against the Cavs has only themselves to blame.

Q: In the DFW area, it seems the common view now is that not resigning Josh Hamilton to a huge deal was a GREAT decision. Watching the Angels try to find ANY way to shed his albatross of a contract, we feel good about the decision. Is that how Boston fans feel about Rondo? Are Boston fans glad they “sold high,” or are they waiting to re-sign him after the season?

—Wes, Dallas

Sold high, by getting a pick in the 20’s, a rotation player, and a guy they cut. Trader Danny strikes again!

Q: Thanks to State Farm we know that every NBA player has a separated-at-birth twin who ends up being an insurance agent. Chris Paul has Cliff, Stephen Curry has Sebastian, John Stockton has Don etc. Who would Rajon Rondo’s twin insurance agent would be

—Matt, New York

Next time he goes through the motions of complaints about how corporations are bad and stuff, remember that he’s cross-promoting corporate advertising under the guise of Joe Everyman Fan right here.

Your best case for a Rondo resurgence next season: If Dennis Rodman can average 15 rebounds per game in Chicago and win a ring 12 months after his 1995 Spurs flame-out that reverse-peaked with Rodman taking his sneakers off in a huddle during a key timeout in a key playoff game, I’m pretty sure we can’t write off Rondo yet.

Rodman in the ’95 playoffs was, correctly, calling out Robinson for playing pussy defense while Rodman played his balls off and put himself in harm’s way. Not to defend his behavior, but his instinct was in the right direction. Rondo, meanwhile, was sulking because he didn’t get to hold the ball for 21 seconds and play a deliberate, slow style that ran totally counter to the team’s offensive philosophy. Not a totally honest comparison here.

Q: Isn’t the “German Rondo” nickname a major insult to Dennis Schroeder now? The small group of real Hawks fans don’t cringe every time he steps up to the line.

—Brandon, Winston Salem

BS: Tough mailbag for Rondo. Tough times. None of this makes me happy. On the other hand, much like T.J. Lavin, I hate quitters. And Rondo quit on Dallas. He did.

He’s also an aging player who relies on his athleticism. But he’ll be totally fine next year, because of Dennis Rodman or something.

Q: I never forgot how you made “Bob Sacre” happen. As your next rename victory, might I suggest Willie Cauley-Stein aka “Bill Stein” from Kentucky? Do it.

—Jackson, Vancouver

BS: I’d rather get “Tony” going for Anthony Davis. Watch Game 4 of Pels-Warriors and scream out “Toe-neee!” the first time Davis throws down an alley-oop. It feels surprisingly good. “Tony” gives Davis a little extra danger; suddenly he’s the muscle-head who might take his shirt off in the club and try to fight a bouncer.

No he’s not. He’s still a goofy kid with a unibrow who destroys people at basketball. He won’t turn into a guido meathead because you start calling him something else.

Q: With the Trail Blazers stunning playoff collapse, the injury to Wes Matthews, and The Assassination of Damian Lillard by the Coward Mike Conley, does LaMarcus Aldridge seriously contemplate leaving this summer? Imagine him and Kawhi in S.A. for the next five years!

—Paul C., Los Altos, CA

It wasn’t stunning. Matthews was an integral part of the team, and once Afflalo was injured, their chances of beating a team like Memphis were virtually nil, unless Conley and Gasol’s injuries were worse than the team was letting on.

BS: I don’t mean to anger Rip City, but we have to discuss this one. You could make a strong case for Aldridge being in play this summer. It will be Year 10 for him; he needs to win now. He just lost Wesley Matthews, and there’s no looming sign that Portland will ever find that third piece to put that team over the hump. He’s not nearly famous enough for someone who was one of the league’s 10 best players for two straight years.

If only America’s most widely-read sports columnist could have done something to raise awareness about the pressing issue of Aldridge’s lack of fame.

Houston wouldn’t be his team; it already belongs to Harden…As for San Antonio … I mean, would YOU want to replace Tim Duncan and spend the rest of your career being compared to him? That answer could go either way, I guess. The good side: Pop, Spurs, Kawhi, infrastructure, first-class fans. The bad side: If it doesn’t go splendidly, you become The Guy Who Screwed It Up After Duncan Left.…And by the way, Lillard is the Blazer getting commercials these days, not Aldridge. If you don’ think that matters to these guys, you’re crazy.

OK, so he’s so insanely prideful and competitive and prideful that he wants to win a title, but only under the condition that it’s HIS team, but is still enough of an insecure pussy that he’s quaking in his boots at the thought of not living up to Duncan’s legacy. Makes total sense.

Q: Do you think Tim Duncan has a painting with his soul entrapped in it that he is not allowed to look at?

—Michael, Binghamton, NY

I’m sure that somewhere Oscar Wilde is very happy that an employee of the Disney corporation, who’s on record as saying that talking about literature is pointless because novels are gay and don’t mean anything, is keeping The Picture of Dorian Gray in popular discourse because one of his readers remembers the basic premise.

BS: It can’t be ruled out. Important Duncan note that jumps out when you watch him in person … his left leg does not work. Like, he drags it around as if it were a prosthetic. That thing does NOT work. He does everything off his right leg. Everything.

So he’s magically not aging, except for noticeable physical deterioration.

Tim Duncan is amazing.

Because he has triumphed over his declining physicality with savvy, determination and taking a disciplined approach to conditionin? Or because MAGIC?

YEAR EIGHTEEN!!!!! Is there any objective NBA fan who wouldn’t have rather had Duncan from 1997 to now instead of Kobe from 1997 to 2015 if the only objectives were “I want to try to win 55-65 games every year and I want to try to win multiple titles”?

Here comes Bill to plant his flag over the Iwo-Jima of the Kobe-Duncan debate and declare victory as an “objective fan”. Game over, folks, no point in arguing any further. Why

How can you pass up 18 straight years of Duncan? Only Kareem and Mailman were able to stay that good for that long. Fact: Tim Duncan is older than Brad Stevens. Fact: It doesn’t seem to matter.

Fact: Bill Simmons has on several occasions used the word “fact” to describe things that aren’t, by definition, facts.

Opinion: Bill Simmons beginning multiple sentences with “Fact:” is annoying.

And no, it still hasn’t been explained to me why Duncan would retire yet. The quality of his game, night to night, hasn’t changed for five solid years. Well, except that he’s playing on one leg.

Because, as many ex-players have told you to your face, including the Basketball Messiah of King of Kings, older players have to endure excruciate amounts of pain to continue competing at a high athletic level with guys 10-15 years younger than them on a nightly basis, and that at a certain point, no matter how competitive they are, it just isn’t worth it.

Q: I went and played golf with three friends on Sunday. After we played, we went to a bar to drink beer, eat wings and watch the NBA playoffs. When we got to the bar the Hawks and Nets were playing. On another TV, My 600 Lb Life was on. I was more interested in the struggles of a 600 lb woman than watching another horrible Eastern Conference Playoff Series. I have been watching the NBA Playoffs since 1987 religiously every year but I had zero interest in this game. Can we please start a petition to have the playoffs reseeded by record?

—Jeff, Webster, TX

Good to see that Bill Simmons’ has taught his readers the narcissism to propose rule changes to major professional sports because the world revolves around them. Feel free to turn off the playoffs and watch reality TV, you cock.

BS: Your reseeded first round for 2015: Warriors-Celtics (1/16), Hawks-Bucks (2/15), Rockets-Thunder (3/14), Clippers-Pelicans (4/13), Grizzlies-Wizards (5/12), Spurs-Raptors (6/11), Cavs-Mavs (7/10), Blazers-Bulls (8/9). I mean … that’s an even worse Round 1 than the current one, right?

Stunning amount of self-awareness.

But don’t worry: When I take over as President Hillary’s sports czar in 2017,

But how could she beat Brad Stevens for president? Who wouldn’t vote for him? It would be just like the movie Dave!

all American professional sports leagues will be forced to adopt a “You have to finish .500 or better to make the playoffs” rule and we’ll never have to worry about things like the dead-eyed Nets making the playoffs over Westbrook and the Thunder again.

The Celtics are just as shitty as the Nets, but which would you rather watch: a movie with Terrence Howard as Lionel Hollins or John Turturro as Brad Stevens? That’s what I thought.

Q: Any chance you could work in a Yi Jianlian chair joke into something soon? It’s just so enjoyable for me. Every. Single. Time. And it’s certainly been way too long.

—Dustin, Clearfield

There are reporters for North Korean Television who aren’t this disgustingly sycophantic.

Q: What are we naming the tanking process for the 2015-16 NBA season now that your illegitimate son, Ben Simmons, is poised to be the top pick? Can we come up with something as good as “Suck for Luck” or “Riggin’ for Wiggins”? What about “Trimmin’ for Simmons” or “The Skid for Bill’s Kid?”

—Bryce, Dayton

This meme really needs to stop. Andrew Luck was the only guy it worked for.

BS: Get ready to lose an even bigger chunk of fandom — I had no idea that Lou Williams had two girlfriends.


Doesn’t this make sense, though? Lou Williams is really two basketball players — there’s the Lou Williams who single-handedly sways games à la Jamal Crawford, and then there’s the Lou Williams who models his game after a poor man’s hybrid of Randy Foye and Dion Waiters and has absolutely no problem going 4-for-18.

These are both the same guy you fucktard. Sometimes he’s hitting his shots and sometimes he isn’t. Not complicated.

Maybe each of those guys needed their own lady. Now we need to arrange a quadruple date with Good Lou Williams, Bad Lou Williams, Rajon Rondo and Rick Rondo.


Q: When we’re first introduced to Jaime Lannister in Game of Thrones, he’s having sex with his SISTER and then PUSHES A KID OUT OF A WINDOW (intending to kill him). Amazingly, by the end of that season we’re thinking, “Ah, he’s not so bad. Pretty charming, actually.” Now we’re actively rooting for him. Can you think of another instance where a real person or a character did something so despicable, only to later turn babyface?

—Trent Smith, Cary

Yeah, isn’t it crazy that a work of fiction plays with our sympathies by having characters appear different and more nuanced than they first appeared? Simmons’ readers are the most narrow-minded people on earth.

BS: It would have to be something really egregious and really unrealistic — like LeBron failing to bring Cleveland a title, then ditching Cleveland in his prime on a live television special so he could team up with Wade and Bosh in Miami, winning two titles for the Heat and making four straight Finals, then heroically returning to Cleveland like nothing ever happened.

Guy whose flaws are largely the result of his troubled relationship with his father = Guy who grew up without a father. Nice to be reminded that Simmons is just as bad at armchair psychoanalysis as he is at everything else.

Q: I have a local NBA ad that’s worse that Isaiah Thomas’ pizza one — what about Bradley Beal for Eastern Motors?

—Blake C., Charlottesville, VA

BS: Didn’t that fit in with the rest of Bradley Beal’s letdown season, though? He went backward in every way. Earlier this month, I sent Ron Mercer’s career stats to Wizards fans House and Sharp…

Does he admit that he overrated the fuck out of Beal up to this point? Of course not. It annoys me that people like Simmons do not give enough credit for how good John Wall is and how much he carries that team.

Q: On Sunday night, Marten Weiner (aka Mad Men’s Glen Bishop) and Austin Rivers faced off tonight in a primetime showdown to determine which one of them is the most flagrant example of nepotism currently on television. Can we just start calling Rivers “Glen Bishop” right now? After all, they might both be going off the air soon.

—Jimmy, Los Angeles

When there’s actually a meaningful correlation between pop culture and sports, Bill can’t even think of it himself.

BS: I loved everything about this email — especially how Doc Rivers and Matthew Weiner (Mad Men’s creator and showrunner) probably went through the same series of mental steps before casting their sons. I mean, I need someone who’s right around that age and has those types of skills … and I know better than anyone that my son just needs a chance … and I’ll be able to help him get where he needs to go … and also, it will make my wife happy. But for the record, at least Austin Rivers can play solid defense and get through three-minute stretches without killing you. I can’t remember ever saying the words, “Thank God for that Glen Bishop scene.” Marten Weiner makes Robert Iler look like Daniel Day-Lewis.

Not to get sidetracked too much, but I think Robert Iler gets a little too much flak. Most kids are shitty actors, and he was pretty believable as the prototypical spoiled, dumb kid that will be running America into the ground 20 years from now.

(Hold on, big “but” coming … )

Take it all in, folks. Bill Simmons has just announced that he will provide a counterpoint to what he just wrote. Aren’t you excited for what will come next?

BUT I can totally identify with Weiner-Rivers syndrome. You’re always going to overrate your own son. Just this week, my 7-year-old son figured out how to rig NHL 15 to start goalie fights


Q: Has there ever been a show with a more pointless “Scenes from next week’s episode” than the Mad Men montage at the end of each episode? With gems like “Get me a drink” and “Who’s there?”, I figure next week’s episode could just as well be about making a turkey sandwich or assembling furniture than running an ad agency.

—Dave, Greensboro

BS: Supposedly Weiner hates giving away anything in “scenes from next week’s episode” montages. You have to love the moxie of someone who zealously protects the secrecy of next week’s episode while also giving away pivotal scenes to his overmatched son. I’m gonna miss Matthew Weiner. Great show. Hold on, this paragraph was pretty pedestrian. We need a comedy infusion.

Pedestrian = Bill Simmons giving the correct answer to a reader question. That should tell you everything you need to know about him.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby NotAndyGreenwald » 25 Apr 2015, 18:08

stunning as always. only (very minor) criticism: you and i both read simmons, too, and i would say at least you are not as stupid as the average simmons reader. otherwise, great stuff!
mj3528 » 03 Dec 2015, 22:34 something rarely said, but NAG was right.

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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Gregs Kite » 25 Apr 2015, 19:22

A fine read again, sir.

Robert Iler was dreadful. Like, affecting my life and mood dreadful, but given the recent rise of the atrocious like Carl from "The Walking Dead" and that sperm lottery winner on "Mad Men", he actually doesn't seem so bad. But let's not totally revise history here.
Apr 22, 2015 3:49 pm Clayton Bigsby i enjoy sports

Magnum - Thu Aug 17, 2017 3:36 pm: perhaps my reaction was built up greg hatred finally coming through. fuck that guy.

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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby BostonSucksMyBalls » 25 Apr 2015, 19:57

including one of the eight best players of all time.

I don't know why it bothers me so much when he makes the top whatever player of all time remark, but it does. He says it so authoritatively, like his arbitrary rankings are anything official.

And he has Lebron #8? Does he have Kobe ahead of him in his stupid rankings? I'm sure he does because he's a buffoon. Lebron is the best player in the league by a mile. When did anyone ever say that about Kobe?

PS: I will never like July 27th. It will always be the day Reggie died. I just hate this day. True Celtic fans know what I mean.

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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Briandong79 » 25 Apr 2015, 21:20

BostonSucksMyBalls wrote:And he has Lebron #8? Does he have Kobe ahead of him in his stupid rankings? I'm sure he does because he's a buffoon. Lebron is the best player in the league by a mile. When did anyone ever say that about Kobe?

PhillyJim76 - Tue Nov 22, 2016 9:20 am: X?I wrote a disturbing clueless fan fiction story that got me in hot water in college
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Jew Jitsu » 26 Apr 2015, 13:33

Simmons is awful. Duncan is top five all time IMO but let's not act like you can't make a Kobe argument. I love how he ruled that Belicheck and Brady are the greatest coach-QB tandem of all time over like Paul brown and Otto graham since winning 4 Super Bowls and losing 2 more in the salary cap era is a bigger accomplishment then winning 7 or however many Brown and Graham won in the 50s but he'd get a seizure if someone dare say the same about Phil Jackson and Kobe and how winning 5 rings and going to two more finals in this salary cap era is a bigger accomplishment over Red and Russell winning 9 championships in a row in the 50-60s.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Theny » 26 Apr 2015, 13:56

I'd take Duncan over Kobe all day. Like any sane person would.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Dthefritz » 26 Apr 2015, 19:25

Theny wrote:I'd take Duncan over Kobe all day. Like any sane person would.

I would too, just object to billy's claim of objectivity and his assertion without any support.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby theken » 28 Apr 2015, 14:28

DTF -- never stop the breakdowns please.
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby JichaelDick » 28 Apr 2015, 14:31

theken wrote:DTF -- never stop the breakdowns please.

TVF wannabe - Mon Jan 30, 2017 1:42 pm: ...a good rule of thumb is if you post some thing like that and IMS quickly jumps in with an uncomfortable reference you went too far
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby Incogneetus69 » 30 Apr 2015, 12:43

He needs to say something about his weird past Vendetta against Vince carter especially
Since he's still better than pussyface I told You guys he sucked rajon rondo
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Re: Newest Bill Simmons Grantland Article from 4/24/2015

Postby chrisco » 30 Apr 2015, 12:51

Incogneetus69 wrote:He needs to say something about his weird past Vendetta against Vince carter especially
Since he's still better than pussyface I told You guys he sucked rajon rondo

Don't stop day drinking, don't stop ever.
BostonSucksMyBalls - Fri Apr 07, 2017 9:03 am: I listen bc ive listened for about 25 years. I need to see this stupid thing thru.
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