question asking about a rule to allow the league to take over teams
BS: This wouldn’t happen for the same reason that you wouldn’t push to bump the worst owner from your fantasy league. The other owners look at Snyder the same way you look at the guy in your fantasy league who just had his third kid, works 75 hours a week and asks things before the draft like, “Golden Tate is still on Seattle, right?” You WANT that guy in your league.
The reason it doesn't happen is because America believes in property rights, you dolt.
Q: Just make it stop. Let it end. Watching these last three Niners games felt like the Red Wedding all over again, with our joy playing the role of Rob Stark’s wife’s stomach.
—Robbie B., Healdsburg, CA
well fuck me sideways, a reference to pop culture from as recently as 2013.
Q: Isn’t this Jim Harbaugh/Colin Kaepernick/49ers thing playing out like the plot of Any Given Sunday with Tony D’Amato/Willie Beamen
thank god, this is Simmons readership after all. Way to describe a situation (upstart QB clashes w coach) that has only happened in real life dozens of times since 1999.
BS: I went to the Critically Acclaimed Czar for an answer. Here’s what Chris Connelly says …
What followed is a nonsensical comparison of the 49ers unraveling and the movie boyhood. Better give connelly a fancy title or people might realize that literally anyone can do bill's job.
Q: I love your Andrew the Giant impersonation on your podcast. Can you please add do a Macho Man Tom Savage one?
That's what the world needs, more horrible impressions by a failed comedy writer. Burn in hell you fucking tasteless sycophant.
Speaking of Floyd, my buddy House and I broke down our 20 favorite Boogie Nights characters as part of Paul Thomas Anderson Week.
I've ruined hundreds of bad movies for my readers...how about I ruin a good one by a critically acclaimed director. WHO SAYS NO???
First, I’d feel better about Houston’s offense with Watt playing QB just because he’s J.J. Watt and his general invincibility feels so much more threatening than anything Keenum or Lewis would bring to the table. Just think about how crazy that is.
Is it crazy that America's most popular sportswriter takes rhetorical exaggeration at face value? Sadly, no.
I wouldn’t bet against him if they inexplicably played him at QB … I mean, what does that tell you?
that you're bad at gambling and don't understand the sports you write about for a living.
: A month after The Catch, is it fair to say there’s been a spike in men naming their penises Odell Beckham Jr?
—Josh, San Mateo
BS: There’s no question. It’s replaced Barkevious Mingo as the go-to NFL penis name. Congratulations, ODB.
I wouldn't bet against Simmons columns being a CIA plot to selectively emit radiation to sterilize people unfit to reproduce. I mean, what does that tell you?
BS: It’s been a historically bad QB-coach combo. I’d put 2014 Cutler-Trestman against just about anyone — they were like Bizarro Brady-Belichick. If anyone can think of a more inept QB-coach combo this century, email it to me, please.
Classic Simmons hyperbole. They're not even the worst coach QB combo in the league right now.
Q: I was listening to your podcast with Cousin Sal, and you asked, “Now that Seattle-San Francisco is dead, what is the best rivalry in football?” I immediately said, “Andy Reid Vs The Clock”. But then I wavered, because “Mike Smith Vs 4th Down” is just as compelling.
Good thing you had time to revise your gut reaction into something equally dumb enough to be in a mailbag. Tell us more about your creative process! And your dogs and kids!
Q: I love Andrew Luck, but I continue to read articles like this and wonder whether he is crazy or crazy like a fox. Is he too soft to win a Super Bowl?
hey person who thought fucking an attractive woman would derail Aaron Rodgers' career: here's some stunningly worthless insight into another athlete's personal life and an asinine conclusion!
And this column is only like 60% over. Jesus.